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My Very First Post

Originally Dated: 12/18/2013

Sometimes I wonder if “primitive” people, as deemed so by modern society, are truly that primitive. It feels they may be closer to enlightenment than myself. They seem to find happiness in the value of life as opposed to the value of the items we accumulate in a lifetime. They work hard to live, in as basic of a sense as there is. In that hard work, I feel may come a deeper appreciation for what life has to offer.

We, the “civilized” work hard too but we work hard to get a break. Our modern conveniences give us more time, but I know I don’t spend that time productively. Instead of spending uninterrupted time with the kids, I stress over what more I need to get done. Every day is a constant struggle on what more I need to do and about how I didn’t do enough.

I appreciate not having to walk to the local watering hole to get myself a drink when I’m thirsty. It makes getting frustrated about packing the kids up and hauling them to the store seem so petty. Shouldn’t I appreciate that I only have to go 5 minutes down the road, with a warm roof over my head the whole way? That I have children that annoy the daylights out of me? Too soon they’ll be grown and I’ll wish for the days when they wanted to go to the store.

I think I’m realizing I’ve been missing the beauty of the day to day. Yes, I get up every morning and pick out clothes for the whole house. Yes, it stresses me every single day. I could pick the clothes out the night before but I don’t. It’s indicative of my whole life. And as messy and quirky as it is, it’s beautiful too.

2015 Update:

Written: 08/13/2015

Excerpt: Their bodies are sacrificed daily. For that extreme devotion to life, they are granted the deepest fulfillment life has to offer. Life comes hard and fast yet their rewards are exponentially increased due to the limited nature of their existence. Their boon is having no loss instead receiving endless opportunity to gain.

Thoughts: I find myself in a place where I feel primitive. I am surrounded by modern conveniences that I actively use in my daily life to make my life easier. And yet I feel a sense of deprivation. My life is devoid of a deep sense of connection that my heart and soul yearn for. When I am walking barefoot around my neighborhood I feel a sense of peace because my feet are connecting with the path I am treading. When my life is being propelled forward by technology and agendas I can’t know about, I feel helpless and lost.  If I had to choose between shades of primitive and shades of modern technology, I feel my utopia would embrace a primitive stance on valuing additions to life while embracing the natural benefit natural (“green”) technology offers all.

Hope: After reading this piece it remains my eternal hope people will begin questioning the daily assumptions they make about life as it really exists.

Moral: Simple can mean complex while complex can be simply wrong.

2019 Update:

Written: 7/18/2019

I have been blessed to be removed from the grind of daily life. I don’t have a job I am tied to. I don’t have a paycheck I am a slave to earn. I have the freedom to fill my minutes and hours as I wish. I don’t have a modern smart phone. I don’t have a television. I have multiple computers for the adults and Kindles for the children. I have Netflix and Hulu and Amazon. I don’t go out to eat. I don’t go on trips or excursions very often, hardly at all. Simply, my life is based out of my home, a place I am happy to not have to leave very often.

During my time in the house, I rarely spend my days at the computer. I feel strongly that I am blessed to be able to be around my family, so I shouldn’t be losing myself in the interweb and all the connections and entertainment that can be found there. So I don’t. I check my WordPress sporadically throughout the day for tidbits and new reads. I check my Gmail for emails from bloggers I consistently hope will find time to share thoughtful words with me. Once in the morning, I check the Facebook I’m working to delete for the daily Memories. My Facebook is empty of Friends, Likes, and Follows, all that is left is the remnants of the words I’ve shared throughout the years that I’m trying to preserve over on WordPress. I have a blank Newsfeed, nothing to distract me. That is my online entertainment. I rarely watch shows and I never read news articles.

My day is filled with caring for my family. I wake as my husband is readying for his sleep. We spend precious moments together enjoying the company of the one we so love to be with. Whether it be wrapping up my husband’s nightly stream or watching a show as my husband eats or playing cards and talking, we take the time to share in each other’s close proximity. It is a blessed time.

We are together to greet our 3.75 year old son as he rises first every morning. We are there to share hugs and kisses and welcome him to the new day. I get him his morning breakfast and juice and allow him to start the day as he wishes. Over the next couple hours, his three older sisters will stagger into the day. And while usually Daddy has gone to bed, the little boy and I are there to greet each sister with a happy Good Morning and a hug and kiss to start the day. I help the 6 year old get her breakfast while the 11 and 10 year old prepare their breakfast (cereal, toast, frozen waffles, or sometimes PopTarts).

With the rising of the sisters the day officially begins. Because as each rise and make their way into the day, each takes on the flavor of drama they will submerge their being into for the day. And there is always drama to be found with three little girls all vying for the limited attention span of dear old Mommy who’s constantly distracted by little brother. And when the attention of Mommy cannot be found, they will devolve into little people trying to work through their social conflicts as best they know how. Which is not very well considering they are children with limited social interaction.

So my role becomes Shepherd of the Household Peace. I must maintain the grace and dignity needed to teach little people how to be better big people. Noble efforts like fairness and equality are attempted. Graceful behavior like calm tones and soothing sounds and kind words are attempted. Things go well until around lunch time.

Then I start to lose my ability to be a Shepherd and I start morphing into a raging bitch that is frustrated by nearly every detail of activity. I race through making lunch (PB&Js, Canned Ravioli, Mac & Cheese, or Ramen) so I can try to crash in bed for a couple hours.  This is hard because my husband is trying to get his daily allotment of sleep and my need to crash cuts in on his ability to get a full 8 hours of rest. So post lunch time becomes an epic battle of stamina to maintain a peaceful presence for the children while stretching out as long as possible before I crash into a nap. Some days my husband has to get up at 2pm to let me go down. Sometimes I don’t need to crash until 5 or later. There are even those rare days where I go totally without a crash (very few and far in between). Either way, every day holds an epic battle of willpower to be the person I wish to be when I feel the exact opposite of how I wish to portray myself.  And every day, I fail to be as peaceful and graceful and kind and soft and gentle as I desire to be. But I recognize my efforts and I lay myself down to be better when I rise.

And I usually wake up on a better side of the day. As I rise from my nap, I start settling in for the evening. Deciding what needs made for dinner, what activities will fill the evening. Doing the things that will help wrap the day up. The evening is a stretch for me. Because while I feel better after the nap, I am far from refreshed and invigorated. So the evening is usually passed praying for the end of the night to come quickly because I deeply desire the sleep to start the day fresh.

I recognize that a lot of my mental exhaustion and duress may be caused in part to the diet I keep myself on. I don’t really each much food apart from my daily attempt to get 350 calories in one sitting so I may take my Latuda (bipolar anti-psychotic medication). Apart from those limited calories, I don’t eat much substantial food. The majority of my daily calories come from my Calming Coffee Concoction (half mug hot coffee, 3tsp Sugar, 1 Tbsp Flavored Creamer, fill to top with 2% Milk). I drink this throughout the day as I feel the need. If I’m feeling irritable, I’ll have a cup. If I’m feeling low, another cup. Bored, have a cup. Frustrated, another cup with do.  I probably drink 8-10 average sized coffee mug cups of my Calming Coffee Concoction. I don’t know because I don’t really track how many, just that I have the ability to have it when I need it.

This diet works for me. Because while I am technically starving myself, I am still providing my body the calories it needs for energy.  I feel comfortable depriving myself of sustenance because there are many starving people in the world. While God may have provided for me to fill my belly regularly, the guilt I feel shoving my face full while others starve to death on the same planet is more than I can bear. I assuage my guilt by forgoing the food I could have plentifully while still respecting my need to eat to survive. I take in less in the theoretical hope that my less will afford more to those having less than I.  Spiritually I take less, so physically there is more for others. And I find great comfort in that, enough that I don’t second guess my desire to go without.

So I sit wonderfully blessed in world of plentiful abundance. I have everything I need to get through the day and I have nothing distracting me from the one job I know God intended for me to do to my best ability, and that is raising my children to be productive and healthy members of society. For me, I feel extremely blessed to be able to give all my moments to their raising because I know that I am not allowing the world to distract me from my duty. What kind of parent would I be if I spent all my time saving the world and none of my time saving my children from growing up without a concerned parent around in their every moment? I choose my children first because they didn’t have a choice in their entry into this world. The world can come after my children are raised because what example am I setting if I were to chase my dreams at the expense of the innocence of my child? When I leave my home to chase worldly endeavors, who am I leaving to protect my children from the harshness and coldness of a cruel and money loving world? Certainly not any who put my children’s interests before their own. And so I don’t.  I remove myself from the world until my time providing for my children is done.

And for that I feel great peace with existence. Because I am blessed to be able to raise my children apart from the world that so generously provides for their wellbeing in so many ways beyond my ability to control.  I look forward to joining back up with the world in the future and see how my primeval existence gels with the modern world that advances without my awareness.