Without hope we can accomplish nothing. But hope is only the beginning.
I was drawn to the song “Rock Bottom” by Wynona Judd. I had never heard it (still haven’t – sorry Wynona). However the lyrics stick out to me. “Rock bottom is good solid ground. A dead end street is just a place to turn around.” This speaks to me because I feel I hit rock bottom and am turning things around. I am finally beginning to see my worth. Everything about me is to love and care for others. Love and help strangers, friends, family. I am beginning to understand and embrace that.
I believe my whole life has prepared me to be this way. I have had so many experiences through which I am able to connect to others. Never quite the same thing but close enough to relate. And with those experiences, I seek to comfort others. So often I believe we feel alone in this world. Lessening the loneliness and sadness for at least one person every day is my goal.
But to love me is like trying to love a hurricane, you never know which way the wind is going to blow. My soul is such a bundle of contradictions. I am a mother but often times act quite childishly. I can be so kind and loving but I can just as easily embrace being mean and hateful. I think I embody femininity almost entirely. I am beautiful yet plain; sexual but just as sensual. I nurture others but desire being nurtured. I am grounded, salt of the earth, but I will ever have my eyes to the sky.
Those extremes, often so hard to reconcile, flow harmoniously through my life. Because in life I believe you need both. I only know how incredibly kind I can be because I can be so cruel. It feels like society condemns those feelings. But why? Those feelings aren’t inherently good or bad. They just are. Good or bad comes into play with actions. Tangible actions you can be held accountable for. How can we blame feelings when they have no tangible hold over us? It’s our actions we should judge. Knowledge is not a tangible thing either – it just is. I feel knowledge goes hand in hand with feelings. I gain knowledge from my feelings. With more knowledge I can better understand what I am feeling. I needed to feel completely lost to know when I had been found. So comforting to think, so I will. It means even when I was broken there was a reason or meaning behind it. So how lost and broken was I really?
I hope I don’t take life or these feelings for granted again. I’m feeling so much hope and optimism. While I feel the need for despair and negativity, I wish I could avoid those. But I believe avoidance breeds complacency. We lose sight of our full potential. I see now that I am truly blessed to be naturally gifted at a wide range of things. Never the best by any means but always talented enough. I understand now that being good at everything left me okay with not being great. I coasted through things with minimal effort. Such wasted potential! Perhaps, though, I had to waste such great potential so I can feel motivated when my real opportunity to be great at something comes along.
I think that time is now. I accept I will likely never be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, probably not even a CPA. I will never own a mansion but I will always have a home for my heart. Oh my heart. That is where I believe with every fiber of my being, my greatest potential exists. Love is so powerful, extraordinary. And so is my capacity for love. I NEED to give love just as much as I need it in return. And I think that is where my peace is coming from. I will never be wealthy in the ways of the world. Though I struggle with it, that’s okay. I will get by with just enough because I will be the wealthiest person ever in love. No one will love more than I.
I feel like I’ve finally found my place in this dark and uncaring world. We need darkness so our lights can shine bright. My light is my love. And man, how I hope it shines.