October 11, 2016
I am sitting in my friend’s basement, typing on my husband’s computer, listening to the sound of silence and the sporadic shuffles of my one year old in his Pack and Play as he sleeps. My friend sits upstairs in his living room watching television. Our spouses are both out working together. My older girls are sleeping on twin beds up in the office. My friends children are asleep in their bedrooms. It’s 11:30 at night and I am fighting against my natural inclination to go to sleep so I can be up when my husband gets home from work at 12:30.
When I first sat down to start typing this piece, my first words were:
“This world is hard. I constantly feel alone. No one can know all the troubles I face just to wake up in the morning. I feel separated from everyone around me.”
I didn’t figure anyone would want to read about how down and depressed I am being alive so I changed my thought pattern. Rather than focusing on how negatively I am affected by my loneliness, I chose to write about where I was currently. And currently I am in a much better place than I have been in a long time. I could go on about all the improvements that have come along for my family, but those are details that seem to be interesting to the closest of friends. Tonight, I feel the need to release the innermost parts of my mind rather than the intimate details of my life.
I want to express myself but I keep holding out hope to find the words to say that will connect with someone. The words never seem to come so I strive to say things that will make other people happy. I wonder what words would make me happy. At my core, I don’t know what would make me happy because at my core I question fundamentally what it means to be me.
When I reflect on who I am, I find myself constantly battling a bizarre dilemma – I don’t know how to be myself because in my heart of hearts some insane part of me believes I am God. No one has ever written a book on who God is or how to be a good God or even anything that would let me know I am actually who I believe I am. No one has any information to share on how to know God when God finally presents God’s self. I’m left to speculate on what I believe God to be versus what I feel God is and how I feel as God versus what I believe God would feel like in my situation. It’s all so confusing.
I guess that’s where the dilemma is. I believe I am God while simultaneously not believing it is possible for me to be God. I have logic that tells me I am human and the rational thought that God is not. I have faith that tells me God is capable of more than I am. Yet with all these very real feelings that I couldn’t be God, I cannot suppress the all-consuming thought that I am God.
So here I am. Crazy enough to believe I am God. Sane enough to believe being God is not possible. Innocent enough to want to be God so I can save people from the suffering of life. And anti-social enough to know I want no part of being God because of the work it requires.
I wish I could answer one simple question: Why do I feel I am God?
Because without that seemingly fundamental question being answered I am left asking a lot of questions.
Where does being God leave me? Who does that make me to people? Why does it matter if I am God? Does being God mean anything to anyone other than me? Does being God make me better than anyone else alive on this planet? On and on these questions come.
In all honesty, I want to be special and believe some part of every person on this planet feels the same way – it’s what connects everyone. Do I want to be special so badly that I have somehow tricked myself into believing I am God? Is that even possible? How would I even know if I have tricked myself?
So what does believing I am God do for me?
- It makes me think about other people.
- It causes me to consider the effect I am having on the people around me.
- It worries me that I am not doing enough to affect the lives of others around me.
- It gives me anxiety that I am not what everyone needs me to be.
- It inspires me to want to help people I have never met.
- It makes me question my place in the world.
- It allows me to ponder what people think about God.
- It makes me insanely curious about how other people’s minds work.
- It makes me crave a new world where happiness is possible for everyone.
- It makes me dream of harmony and hope for peace while praying for freedom.
I don’t know why I believe I am God. I have no way to prove I am who I believe I am. I am just me. An average girl living an average life. Which is nothing to write home about, just another person with a story to tell.
Who knows? Maybe I am, maybe I am not. It just feels good to let out something I have been keeping secret for what feels like centuries.
As for now, I am signing off to spend time with my husband. A sane guy who knows the dilemma I face and tells me to be who I need to be. Until next time.