The truth is that I’ve largely stepped out of the habit of recording my thoughts in favor of living in the present moment and favoring the in the moment bliss that comes with indulging that intense way of processing life. But life has forced me to confront the reality that I can’t always live blissfully as I want to, as much as I try, because I am bipolar, and I have cyclical episodes that come through. Right now, I am coming through to a cyclical low. Just last night I recorded a new episode of The Spirit Bubble where I confessed how hard it is to be in the low. Just got incredibly real with the camera and bared my soul for the world’s stage. And for my husband, who was sitting next to me, listening to every word I shared. So as much as I shared for the world, I was sharing for him too.
And it was hard to admit that I’m not in the best state, and that I’m not feeling my best even when life isn’t that difficult to contend with as far as most lives go. But I’m not trying to make myself feel worse, but rather feel better about the fact that I took the initiative to write, when it had been so long since I had done so. I feel good that I thought to record my thoughts, which what drove me to sitting down was the thought how lucky I’ve been that my life hasn’t taken a more drastic route. I have an additive personality and through my life have strayed into addictive habits that could have led to dangerous outcomes. I don’t know why they didn’t, but they didn’t and I’m thankful for that.
On Monday, June 5, I took my daughter to the dentist. Because we don’t have a vehicle, we get rides through the insurance company. Normally we schedule rides through Lyft, but through a mistake, we were scheduled with a transportation company, something that isn’t usually as convenient and isn’t what we prefer. But we went with where the day took us, which was to have a driver named Trent pick us up after changing who we thought would be picking us up. It was a whirlwind of a morning but when we got in the car with the gentleman, there was a soul connection and instantly we were able to start talking about real things. About our lives and who we were and what had gone done in our moments that led us to where we were. It was an awesome trip. And what was amazing, because it was with a transportation company, we would have the same gentleman coming home as well. So a chance to further bond – which we did. He told me of his addiction problems and how he had just overdosed within this year and was trying to turn his life to the Lord. He had survivor’s guilt and didn’t know why he was spared when so many weren’t. But he wanted to take this chance and make the most of it.
And that’s what struck me – this man had the very same problems I did – addictive personality – only his life had taken him a different path, only to cross paths with me in this moment to let me know he was finally taking it serious and going to give it the best he could to getting his life right, for himself and everyone he could care for along the way (including a little 4 year old that had a mother touched by drugs who he had taken to the park on his day off). He was making a difference in a real way, in the world around him, in the way that moved him to act, based on what he was affected by.
That touches me because that’s what we all do, in a way – we are moved to act in the world around us based on the experiences we’ve had. I know that I’m moved to help families in need and help mental health patients in stressful situations and other real ways that I’ve been affected in my life that touches me to reach out to those I know I can help based on my experiences.
To me, helping others is what I want to do most. And right now, all my time is focused on helping my family as much as I can manage. Which while I’m going through my low, I struggle to manage the basics, which makes me glad I have my husband to help me get through life. I appreciate having a partner to get through everything with. It really makes the lows a lot less low to know that when I get up I have someone to help me get through my moments with a wink and a smile. Because that’s what my husband is in so many moments – he’s the light, the laughter, the happiness. That it hurts me to know that he’s wildly uncomfortable because I struggle so heartily at tending to household chores and duties.
I want to do better, but I know better is barely scraping by while I’m in this low. I know I’ll get out of the low but will I feel any more motivation to tackle the house that feels so overwhelming all the time? That is my battle. To find the willpower to want to tackle something that bothers someone that matters so much to me that it makes him uncomfortable to exist so I need to make myself uncomfortable so that I can change the state of things for us all. If that’s what’s to happen. If it’s all to fall to me to have happen, which feels like a lot of responsibility to take on a person.
Rather than worry about whether I’m supposed to change the state of things for everyone, I’m going to come back to center and remember that I’m just trying to get through my moments as best as I can manage. Right now, I’m managing to curate my thoughts and share them in a fluent and expressive fashion. I feel great that I’ve taken the time to come back to writing. And I hope the next time I come back to write isn’t quite so long, nor so pressured to perform because it’s been such a long time.
Exploring Alura 