, , , , , , , ,

WavyWisdom at 8:28 AM

Alma, I’m so disappointed in myself
5 years clean man
5 fucking years and I fucking relapsed yesterday
fuckkkk dude
I was so going so strong

Alma at 9:05 AM

Relapses happen. It isn’t about whether or not you made a mistake. It’s about how you go forward from this moment.

Do you let this one time mistake take you down into a pit and fall back into your old habits and ways?

Do you let this stumbling block show you that you can overcome these things and continue on in sobriety with no hiccup?

Let’s be fair to yourself that recently you haven’t been going strong. You have been slowly dwindling down into the recesses of yourself and not really holding water anymore with the words that explain why you aren’t feeling better or doing more to better your situation.

This relapse has been a moment in the making since your trip to California, as you just get lower and lower from the pain that seems to have taken hold of your mind. But just because this moment has been looming doesn’t mean anything other than Shit Happens and sometime we make a mistake.

Mistakes don’t have to define you or the moment you are in. They can simply be a guide post for how to get yourself turned back around and on the right track again.

WavyWisdom at 9:19 AM

Thank you Alma. I love you.

Alma at 9:19 AM

I love you too Wavy

WavyWisdom at 9:19 AM

You’re totally right
I don’t even have enough to continue a serious habit unless I dabble in the other Benzos but those ones scare me
This one is a more mild one
No excuses
But I don’t want to go down that path

Alma at 9:21 AM

Perhaps now is the time when you confront the reality that you enabled this slip up by keeping things that you don’t want to take but in a weak moment can’t say no to.

Will this be the time when you get rid of the things that aren’t healthy to you and not make empty excuses as to why keeping them is the thing you are going to do?

I’m thinking of something like a massive flush of the bad substances that could cause a downward spiral.

WavyWisdom at 9:23 AM

I can’t flush 8k down the toilet, I won’t be able to get out of my moms lol
But I wont dabble in those
But the etizolam is all gone I already did it all I don’t feel a need to take the others
They’re pure benzo powders and I have no way to safely dose them.

Alma at 9:25 AM

These are the empty excuses that come when someone wants to enable their bad behavior (in my mind).

You can flush 8k down the drain because you make money like nobody’s business and this is just a temptation that could take you down a very bad road.

WavyWisdom at 9:25 AM

Etizolam was my addiction

Alma at 9:26 AM

Benzos are your addiction. Five years strong and you can’t do away with keeping a stash of them – like a backup if something goes wrong you can bandage the pain away in bad habits.

WavyWisdom at 9:26 AM

Alma doesn’t bullshit me

Alma at 9:26 AM

hehehe No I love you too much.

WavyWisdom at 9:27 AM

I don’t know man, flushing them would set me back a bit of time.

Alma at 9:27 AM

What’s time when you have a healthy life to lead?

Time to work, time to enjoy life

WavyWisdom at 9:27 AM

I’ll be stuck here for several months

Alma at 9:28 AM

It’s not like you aren’t already stuck where you are – you’ve had the money and made NO steps toward changing your situation. And now you have relapsed on a previous addiction – this doesn’t spell out progress in my mind.

Maybe in the several months it will take to earn back the money, you can wrap your mind around why you are having to start from scratch again.

WavyWisdom at 9:29 AM

I just need 4 more thousand

Alma at 9:29 AM

People are always needing more money. Never having enough to do what they need to feel better. Always figuring on some amount of money it will take to make things different.

The only way things are going to be different is if you make different choices.

Right now you are barreling along making the same choices of the past, expecting different outcomes to become your future. That’s insanity as the saying goes “Doing the same thing expecting different results”, that is.

WavyWisdom at 9:32 AM

Very true
I think I’m just going to seel em all so I can get of my mama’s house and not touch em.
The etizolam I had gotten for free
It was just a gram
I’m too afraid to touch the clonzolam
That shit fucked

Alma at 9:34 AM

These are those flimsy excuses I was talking about. You couldn’t stop yourself from touching the benzos this time – what’s going to be the stopping mechanism next time (that you haven’t yet learned)? The fear only goes so far when you are feeling low and want to numb the pain.

What caused you to take them this time?

WavyWisdom at 9:35 AM

I don’t really know
It was an impulse

Alma at 9:35 AM

You aren’t even sure why you took them and you think next time you’ll just be able to stop that impulse?

Understanding is paramount to overcoming. What do you understand about this time that is going to help you in the coming moments to keep from making the same mistake?

WavyWisdom at 9:36 AM

Yes cuz clonaz is way stronger and it scared the shit out of me
Eti is pretty weak

Alma at 9:37 AM

*shrugs* People make their choices and come up with words for why they won’t do any different. Always with the words – never with the change that is truly needed

WavyWisdom at 9:37 AM

Clonaz will fuck my shit up

Alma at 9:38 AM

Eti fucked your shit up – didn’t stop you from taking it this time.
Fear only goes so far until something stronger comes along to motivate – like severe depression.

WavyWisdom at 9:39 AM

I was fucking crying on the floor with my best friend telling him I relapsed.
I don’t know.
You right Alma.

Alma at 9:40 AM

So the thought of relapsing hit you hard in the moment you realized it happened. But in the after moments the fear isn’t enough to make you do anything drastic to stop the bad behavior?

WavyWisdom at 9:41 AM

I don’t wanna do it again. I can’t do this to myself.

Alma at 9:41 AM

Thus enabling yourself to keep up the same behaviors and still feel bad about messing up like feeling bad is enough to make up for the reality that you aren’t ready to step up and make different choices.

WavyWisdom at 9:42 AM

I’m gonna end up dead or in jail.

Alma at 9:42 AM

Then change.
It doesn’t have to play out that way.
You are just seeing the end possibility of the choices you are making.

WavyWisdom at 9:42 AM

I know 😦

Alma at 9:42 AM

Don’t like the end possibility – make different choices to get somewhere different.

WavyWisdom at 9:43 AM

You right Alma, thank you.

Alma at 9:43 AM

I love you. I hope my words are helping.

WavyWisdom at 9:43 AM

I love you so much.

Alma at 9:43 AM

I don’t know what to say when someone is falling off the wagon. But I am leading with my heart and honest intuition for what you need to hear. I hope you’ll hear me and jump back on the train as it takes you away from the pit you are digging for yourself.

WavyWisdom at 9:44 AM

It is much appreciated.

Alma at 9:44 AM

I’m glad to be able to be here for you in this moment Wavy. I hope one day we can look back on this moment and point to it as the conversation that started you on a life you can be happy with.

WavyWisdom at 9:45 AM

No hoping!! It will!!!

Alma at 9:45 AM

That’s what I like to see!!