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This was just shown to me. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acedia

I find it interesting the Synchronicity of me finding this as I get your messages.

I’m intrigued. Why [does it sum up the last] nine years? What happened precisely that many years ago?

That’s a tricky hurdle to navigate. You took mind altering substances that took away your zest for life. And now in your altered state you feel less than happy with who you are. And in feeling less than you lack motivation to change yourself. And in lacking motivating you further hate on yourself for your inability to change.

My question is pondering when you will wake up and realize nothing needs to change but for the reality you are pressuring yourself to do something you can’t do. You can’t not be you. It’s in your DNA to be who you are. So in light of that, you are making the choice to complain about the hand that was dealt rather than making the best of what life handed you. If you don’t like how you feel the best course of action is to stop making the choices that make you feel this way.

That’s tricky because thought patterns hardly feel like choices. So accustomed we become to listening to the mental tracks we run our thoughts on.

Now would be a good time for a mind expanding thing where you explore the possibility of new thought patterns.

I guess I was thinking of something that once again opened your mind to the reality that you can change your thoughts with practice and patience.

What situation are you in?

I can wholly understand needing to leave the toxic energy of someone that negatively affects your ability to be well.

You share your story like being a janitor is a bad thing. Cleaning up after others is a godsend to the world. If we didn’t have people to make nice of the messes of others our world would be a far dirtier place.

You make low income living sound like the worst thing there is. I find myself living below poverty level and I am blessed to be having what I have. So much so I can’t fathom making more money because I wouldn’t know what to do with it all. I think the issue on this one is the social conditioning we have to make people think having less is bad.

I think that you consider yourself throwing away your life by making these choices to do something different. But the reality is the life is thrown away by the fact that you don’t value yourself properly.

Then change it.

I think you’re wasting your energy spending time thinking about how low your life is when you could be focused on feeling better about trying to better yourself.

Regardless of the details of your life there’s only so much in your control. You either can change yourself and better your situation or you can sit in your situation and complain how change isn’t possible. It’s and either or situation. Both are equally possible. It merely comes down to your decision to do something different or keep on.

I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Accountancy and graduated with a 3.8 GPA. Now I’m homebound with a family I just get by to afford.

My life is better not thinking myself better than others because I passed college. I know a lot of folks who did far more with far less than a college degree.

Except for the reality that you aren’t healthy in your thoughts and that unhealthy behavior comes out to play in your relationships.

Start with finding love for yourself and stop hating on who you are so regularly. That’s a positive difference for sure and one completely in your control.

I find it hard to find motivation to do anything when I’m not feeling g good about myself. Start there. Do that. Feel good about yourself and I almost guarantee everything else will fix itself in time.

I’m on new Meds that cut the euphoric mania down quite a bit. I think you’re getting a taste of the Ogre me that rubs people the wrong way. I’m not quite as floaty and bubbly and out of touch with reality as I usually am.

I like that. Grounded is good. I can float away sometimes in my extreme happy states. It’s good to come back down for a refresh on reality.

I feel you. I really do. I can understand how not feeling connected to your family can leave you feeling disconnected from the world at large. But there’s real love out there to be found even if the broken love in your family can never be healed. But before you’re ready for real love out there, I find it essential to define real love towards yourself.

I don’t think that you have been a bad friend at all. What I feel has been happening is that you are developing your bonds of trust. You are going through you regular ups and downs that usually come to you. And you are learning that someone (hopefully me) can take all that you offer and still be there for you in whatever way you will allow.

In your opinion [all you’ve offered is darkness], which I would like to debate. For in our shared time, I have found much enjoyment and connection and positivity.

To one standing lost in their own shadow, I can see how you would see your contributions as dark.

Remember you were the one that grounded me when I was getting carried away with misinterpretations of who I am. And you were the one that recognized the difference in very short time after starting my meds. So you are aware and helpful and considerate of the life I have outside of our time together online. What more could you hope for in a friendship?

I’m doing well. Have so many good things happen in a day that I am just bursting with joy. June 18th was the perfect ending of the world. Now I am busy working on believing in the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius.

Crazy stuff.

The Anointing of ONE of God’s Hand happens on the 21st. When the World turns from Darkness forever. Also known as the Age of Aquarius. In my mind at least…

Nope [I wouldn’t be disappointed], because I spend my every moment appreciating all the details of my life. And so every moment I have something to be thankful for. And if I spend my whole life being grateful for every scrap that comes my way, then regardless of whether the condition of the world actually changes, my whole outlook on life will have been a positive manifestation of believing in better (which feels really good). So ultimately if every second of my life turns out to amounting to believing in a lie to find happiness – I stand on firm ground not caring about the life of lies for it helped me find the best way of living – freely happy.

It was really exciting today, I got to participate in my group therapy (something that’s been cancelled since the start of COVID). It was wonderful to be back in that little group again.

One of the many cool points was when I walked my counselor through the points of how I started with no self love and worked my way up to a brand new – almost entirely positive mindset.

And she said that I was a walking example of how to go from mental unwellness to health. A counselor said that!!! Someone professionally trained to do the very thing I got through.

It’s so exciting because once I put some time into my home life, I feel ready to really be there to help people going through their issues.

I thought about donating time at the psych ward to spend time with patients.

Not going to lie – I love the vibe of the psych ward when the patients are calm.

It’s such a powerful place to meet people. Because when someone has been stripped down to nothing and thrown in a psych ward, they come with their barriers down, ready to really open up.

So much of the real world just shuts down and pushes people away because that’s how life taught them to cope. But people in the psych ward usually realize their coping skills aren’t working and they need help to get better.