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Three days ago I reached my breaking point. An event that happened nearly two months ago has been weighing on me without resolution. I couldn’t take it anymore. And I didn’t want to either. July 23 marks my 35th birthday and I decided to gift myself with the release of the weight of angry and aggressive people that was hanging over my being.

I posted Found: Real Words from a False Prophet The 7,500 word plus airing of the dirty laundry between myself and another false prophet. After posting this I gave myself time to react to the negativity that was refreshed in my mind by going through and converting all the emails with an Anonymous Truth Professor of the internet.  Reading the emails flared up the negative energy that had been stoked before. But  I didn’t want to rehash old stuff, I wanted to share where I had come in the journey from that point in time. So I let time pass between posting and recounting.

In that time I received one like on the post and one very well articulated explanation as to why a like was never coming. I was good with that. I felt comfortable connecting with people however that connection manifested.

But that posting brought about its own manifestations for in revealing the truth of my darkness, I also was brought the light of better thinking that could help resolve my issues. I was guided to read Spiritual Escaping over at the Negative Therapist.  I must say that the first read was hard for me to get through because I had children constantly running around and interrupting my train of thought needed to process the material. But I made it through and was blown away by how right the words felt to my being.

Enough that this morning I was moved to respond to Ben Naga, a blogger and kind soul, “Now as I wrap up with responding to this email I am going to pull up the first blog post you shared with me to read. My first read of it was broken by interruption of the kids and it made it very hard to get through. I naturally feel this article was written above my ability to understand and so I am going to have to take time to bring myself up to its level to gain the depth of understanding it takes to get this. But upon my first read I walked away feeling like the author was trying to put to words the reality of the facade it is that we all live behind to make ourselves feel happy with who we are when in reality we aren’t happy with who we are. So we go about the business of doing things to paint the illusion of happiness but in reality it is all an escape mechanism to hide the truth of our unhappiness. I was further moved to understand that there is a large nonsensical nature to our being that makes it hard to understand what being happy truly is.  And from there I put together that my bipolarity has circumvented the false belief others have in happiness and put me on a direct path to living happy. For my illness brings to light the darkest parts of my nature that I cannot deny nor even control when its at its worst, only sink in and understand that which is propelling my darkness forward. In the same sense, while I am lost in the darkness I have the blessed awareness of the peace and light I wish to bring to the world and so I use that light and desire for goodness to bring me out of the dark nature that is me and yet not me at the same time. Truly I exist in a world a duality, for I am both light and dark and they operate within me simultaneously for my understanding/consideration.  I find much peace with my awareness of both the light and dark for in that duality I am able to connect to all range and manner of being without pretense of falseness, I embody that which we all are. I don’t have to hide behind fake words and false actions, I just get to be the realest version of me which is really in touch with how other people choose to be. Which is pretty cool in my opinion.

So that brings us to about 9:15am today (July 22, 2019) when my son woke and I started writing the bulk of my response to the negative interaction with Old Rattlesnake. What I was able to get through before having to stop at noon follows in purple:

On May 29, 2019 I experienced a negative manifestation of my being. It hurt me. It provoked an insane person. It disappointed my husband in my behavior. In all ways, the event was hurtful and tragic. Since the event, I have been struggling to reconcile my actions with the fullness of who I know myself to be.

Immediately after the event I began trying to reconcile the problem I strongly felt with how I had handled myself. I tried to be honest and clearly demonstrate how out of control I was at the time. I wanted to show the perspective I had gained from acting what I felt what against my true nature. I wanted to be better than the person I showed myself to be.

By 9:29am of May 30, 2019 I had posted this piece which gave my fresh perspective on the situation: Douchebag Alert #2 It’s ME!

I can honestly say that I am quite proud of how quickly I released the anger of the situation and started working on resolving why I acted out the way I did. I sought to understand what happened not attack the person who had offended my being.

By 12:57pm of May 30, 2019 I had released another post working on resolving that which was weighing heavily on my mind: Who I Am: Old Killer

I’m very happy with this piece because it took an honest look at who I feel I am deep down and how I have taken that personhood and used it to influence how I live my life on a day to day basis. Even more it reflects upon just why it was that I was so offended by the person the Old Rattlesnake used his words to show himself to be. It even ended on a high note hoping for better.

My mind moved on for the day and by 12:19pm on May 31, 2019 I had released this gem of a post: What I Believe: Truth Professor

My heart is warmed by the contents of this post. I am very happy with how well the words flowed together and came to describe how it is my beliefs manifest and how I am moved to interact with the beliefs of others.  It gave my opinion on the negativity of the situation and why I was so deeply offended. Even more, it shared some of my personal truths and facts that heavily influence the bulk of my personhood. I really bared my soul and reflected my inner being for the world to witness in this one. I’m glad that time allowed me the perspective and peace of mind to share such beauty.

By 4:52pm on May 31, 2019 I had released this post which directly addressed the offensiveness of the man I had engaged in conversation with: MEye Respect is Born for ELDERs

For me I don’t like disrespect, neither giving nor receiving. But just because I don’t like receiving disrespect doesn’t mean I believe that people being disrespectful should be granted any level of respect except for not engaging in an argument with them. I don’t believe they aren’t jerks. I don’t believe they aren’t bad people. I don’t believe I will ever care for a disrespectful and inconsiderate person. But just because all of those things doesn’t mean I get to be a disrespectful and inconsiderate person and attack another being for being just as I’m choosing to reflect myself as in response to their personhood. That’s just not okay and highly hypocritical. So rather than fight with someone who will never act better, I’ll call them an elder and move on from ever giving their words time or consideration, the true representation of respect.

I woke up the next day feeling spiritual and I wanted to describe my beliefs more articulately and by 7:18am on June 1, 2019 I had posted: The Ten Commandments, KJV style

This post floats my boat because it very clearly defines what I was brought up being told is God’s Word and will make me a better person. Now with 35 years under my belt I have an opinion and perspective on what that “God’s Word” really means to me and how it truly influences my being. So much so that I am able to express my own set of 10 commandments which I prefer to refer to as Commitments because it is in every moment that I recommit myself to my God and the person I believe he expects me to be. I hope people will read this and take to heart the color of person I wish to know myself as and what is truly guiding me in my moment to moment weighing of what it means to be me.

By 10:14am on June 1, 2019 I had released a post on my concepts of Good and Evil and how my perspective of the situation was influenced by them: The Basics of Good and Evil

I absolutely love the addition of color that I used to make this post something special to me. For I am developing the Where’s Alice? story to more clearly describe my thoughts on the divine. Within the context of the color of the Where’s Alice? story I have brought in purple to mean Holy God, Blue to mean the light of salvation, Green to mean the Glory of Pure Love Undiluted by Pain, and Pink to represent the worst Existence has to offer. So when writing this piece I incorporated those colors to add further flavor and definition to what I have written to be understood at a later point when I get to come back to Where’s Alice? thinking. Cyclical thinking is pretty awesome to experience.

Then as fate would have it I was visited by a knock on the door. Two Jehovah’s Witnesses were on my porch to bring the light of their Lord to my doorstep. With a pamphlet called “Why You Can Trust The Bible” I was struck by the irony of having felt the negativity of a truth professor and now the warmth of a truth converser. Truly there was a right way to hold truth and a wrong way. I was inspired to write this addition to the Where’s Alice? story: Where’s Alice?: Karma’s New Day

I enjoy this addition to the story because it presents a spin that Karma now has the rules that everyone will have to reconcile as being the right way to be. But Karma is alive in a world where there are many different people all coming with their own ideas of what is right. Time is making Karma to be Right Incarnate and so now reality will begin to change based on her Commitments to being a better person.  I like where this part of the story begins to weave together reality with fiction that is based on my truths.

From there I moved away from commenting on the situation. But as time passed the situation did not remove itself from my mind. Though I had unfollowed his blog I took the extra steps to find way back to his site by way of the comments he had previously left on my posts. I continued to take the steps to read that man’s blog even though the being that man was baring for the world was deeply offensive to my sensitive nature. I was insanely curious to see where his mind went after our interaction, if he would verbally resolve our dispute in any meaningful way.  I was disappointed when he only posted a tiny mention of our interaction and went on believing that he had nothing to be ashamed of and that I was just another lost person who couldn’t see what was right in front of their face. 

Since that time nearly two months ago the man has continued to go on the lunacy streak of what I assume are supposed to be prophetic words meant to enlighten the lost.  Yet as his words are all crazy its hard to say exactly what he’s trying to say. But what I do know for sure is that he is definitely in the business of telling people what to believe about God and what women should feel about the world. Two positions I feel he has absolutely no authority to speak on but upon which he uses his man-given authority as holder of a penis to dictate what lesser minds should feel and take into their being as God’s Honest Truth. Then he goes about the business of finding vulnerable woman to lure into his site and start feeding them truths as their “Father” sent from Above. My worst nightmare for poor innocent and broken woman needing the love of the divine to heal their hurt. Truly I feel sad for this criminal is out there convincing them his violent and aggressive nature is representative of God’s Holy Love in any way, shape, or form. A truth of reality that hurts me to know it is real.

But I know the reality of who he is and how he works. I started doing some digging on exactly how this guy came to be in my world of blogging.

Ron found my blog on March 10, 2019, the same day I published Psych Ward Reject Pt. One A 2,500 word piece on the very specific nature of how my illness manifests. A good read for any bipolar looking for words to describe the manifestations of bipolarity. Also a very good read for someone trolling for a vulnerable woman to lure into his ego trap. Very interestingly soon after he came to my page I went to his to find posts about diets for bipolar people and exercise routines for mental health (a theme that did not carry foward at all). Very quickly I was being fed information that authoritatively demanded his words as worthy of consideration for reasons he was all too willing to brag about in regards to ways my life could be better. Very quickly he became an authoritative presence offering many words on my personhood while always giving words on why his thoughts are better than my own.

Ron left his first comment on my blog on March 14, 2019 on OFB Stuff: The Moon’s Mystery (a post about the Heavenly Signs that manifested for world-wide viewing in 2014 and 2015). I believe that I had directed him to that post for his opinion so it was me that asked him to come and visit my blog.

As I type this I feel like I am admitting that I allowed a vampire entrance into my sanctuary. And as I mention this I will tell you that in order to remove the permission from said vampire, I have gone about the business of deleting every comment he left on my site along with removing him from my list of followers. Effectively I have let the universe know that I am unhappy with the person that was reflected to me by way of the blog I no longer care to interact with. I want the universe to know that I want no contact from people who go about being like the person I was introduced to.

From there we started having a back and forth relationship. I always brought positivity. He always brought harsh and directing comments guiding me away from my thoughts and directing them right onto his own beliefs that truth’s he’ll say are better than yours. Of the numerous comments left, there was only one comment I chose to remember the man by on my blog and that was the Comment Left on 4/28/2019 by Ron on a post about another Anonymous Douchebag I experienced. The comment was:

Me and my wife are native Texans live on the coast all my life. We have a joke here there are only two seasons its hot and it will get hotter. It toughens one spirit. I have lingeage through an uncle that goes back to the Alamo. We are fiecely independent and like our freedoms. On the other side of the coin we are some of the friendlest people you could meet.
All that happened is that you picked up the snake; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; it did not kill you only hurts a little bit. The wounds will heal. But now you will warn others of the pitfalls; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. They means you and the other women that you warned. Life is simple count your blessings that your instinct kicked in. We all want a perfect world but the reality is that will never happen until man returns back to his nature only a few do in every generation present and past. Just a fact of life.

I chose to save these words because the irony of them blew my mind. Fiercely independent and Likes his freedoms yet calls himself some of the friendliest people you could meet.  Then goes about verbally instigating a bipolar person who he was likely aware of all of the symptoms she was burdened with. I think I’ll refer you the email conversation for your consideration of the friendliness of his nature.  I let him know that I was feeling crazy. He took personally my insanity and started attacking me for my inability to show respect (a huge trigger of my bipolarity).

But I share these words because in them there is truth. I have been hurt but my hurt serves to warn other women who are being lured in by people just like him. I hope my pain can enlighten other woman to avoid the likes and words of people who will tell you how to be and not help you be a better version of yourself.

I hope my time spent sharing this journey will help you in your own. We are better people made better by making better choices.

My better choices:

I will not speak disrespectfully to people.

I will not listen to people I believe are false prophets.

I will continue to seek out the words of the kind hearted and broken hearted.

That is where I go from here.