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Writer’s Note: I enjoyed listening to Happier by Marshmellow ft. Bastille before I read this. I felt it set a good tone. For the message of Happier is of one who feels leaving is for the better.

Alice’s Notes to Mirror Walkers:

What if the only thing that is causing the world Grief is the only thing you never wanted to part ways from? How do you make the choice to do what is right? How do you do what is right but feels so wrong? How do you give the greatest gift when the cost is so great? Which matters more – loving forever or living happily? Can you have both?

Princess Mary Jane Blossom’s retelling of Alice’s tale:

Perfect Peter was laying in bed resting from a severe headache. I had come up to the room for some reason and I found myself moved to sit on the bed beside him. I’m always moved to be close to him. Life is just better when he is around. His energy just makes my own feel like it is worth being alive.

That thought brought the disturbing thought that we live in a reality where it is an absolute certainty that one of us will be forced to confront a reality without the other one in it.  It was here that I started to get emotional. Because to say I can’t imagine a life without Perfect Peter gives words to the sentiment so many feel when lost in love’s grasp.

But that’s where the coldness and hardness of reality comes in. Everything comes at a cost. Even choosing something as innocent as love. For when you give yourself and your life to enjoying the love in your life, you will be forced to face the cold hard bitter reality of life without your love.

In this cruel world, there is no protection from the worst possible fate. True love will be broken by the pain of death. Till death do us part baby. Oh yeah, however many years down the road one of us will have to bear the miserable fate of going without the one you’ve come to depend on for your whole life for. Trauma. Tragedy. Death. Despair. All words that ring true of any true love story.

Because what are you supposed to feel after you lived your life together and now the togetherness is at an end? How do you continue on in a life when your whole reason for living has passed away? How do you find meaning when they were everything that gave your every moment meaning?

Sure you can comfort yourself in the knowledge that you have the children you bore together and the grandchildren you came to know and love to continue granting their loving presence after your twin flame burns out forever, but how good does that really feel? How good does it feel to know that you will never get to share a smile with your piece of forever as your child does something you know they would have loved? How good does it feel when you wake up thinking how good it is to be together only to be brought to the dark reminder that your togetherness is over? How do you find comfort when your only source of comfort has always been the other? How do you relieve yourself of the suffering of going without the only thing that has ever mattered? How do you prepare yourself for the pain of letting go forever?

Because that’s what I feel like I am doing. I can’t say what is on the other side of death. I have my beliefs and I hold true to my faith but I cannot say with any certainty what is on the other side of that veil.  And so not knowing for sure what lies beyond leaves me panicking at the thought of the end of our lives.  Because for all I know when one of us dies, that’s the end. The story is over. And the other is left to continue a story without the main character, the main event of their tale.

It sounds so devastating. Knowing how strongly I feel for my husband, how desperately I wish his presence to fill my every moment, how deeply I desire for him to bear witness to my every thought, I want him more than I want to know myselfHe is something more than I could ever explain and my connection to him goes beyond words.  I am so drawn to this man.

What happens when this man draws his last breath? What will my world crumbling feel like? What words will I need to tell myself to keep wanting to take another breath? Because I know that the moment he takes his last I will pray for my every breath to be my last. My moment of real loss will be the moment I lose my life whether I keep breathing or not.

He is my everything. He makes my every moment worth being happy about. He met me when I was but a child and he stayed with me until I came into my own. He has been there every step of the way loving me and always helping me be better than I would have been on my own. His presence makes me better.

What will I be like when his presence no longer betters mine? How will I hold myself up to his high standard when his living example has faded to dust? What happens when all the truth I ever cared to listen to stops speaking his last word? What happens when the man who makes my world go around stops spinning my days around the sun? What happens when all that holds my life up falls away forever?

Is there something I can do to relieve myself of that misery? Is there something I can say that will make me feel better about this certain tragedy? Because in all ways I feel overwhelmed by grief at the thought of any kind of absence from each other. I do not seek to know myself apart from Perfect Peter. I do not care to know what life is like without the only man that ever cared to be a better man.

So how do I bring myself back from the well of despair? How do I find light in my every moment to carry me through the difficult moments of being without him? How do I make myself feel better when He was the only reason I cared to feel better?

How do you go about living life when the only reason for life goes away?

What is life without the person you love most? What are your days filled with when their fulfilling presence is no longer in any of your moments?

I can string myself along through my days knowing that my parents aren’t part of my everyday life. I hurt that they aren’t around but I comfort myself knowing that I could call them or write a letter or do something that they could connect to if I needed. But death, death effectively ends all communication. Your time is up and your love is done. You can keep feeling how you feel but there will be no one on the other end anymore to fill up your love tanks when you get low.

And I think that’s perhaps the saddest part of death. Is that you never stop loving the person. You just stop being able to fill yourself with the love of the person you love most but can no longer feel. And so even though you don’t desire it, your connection, your love, your passion to the other fades away into the spans of time to have never meant anything at all.

I don’t desire that for a moment. Not a drop of it. For any reason. I would not demand anyone to have to endure such tragedy. No reason is good enough for me. And so when I think of this forever loss I think of it in the worst possible way – the end of time when God takes his final breath.

I had a vision of a woman mourning on a mound. In my vision I was moved by the profound grief she felt for the life that was no more. The life below the ground was so moving and so fierce that even in death the snow always melted on the forever warm mound. No grass cared to take root for the loss of His life felt a tragedy nature wanted no part of. Reality bent around His mound, for True Loss was forever making a statement on what the cost of Death truly is. For His presence was so perfect, so gentle, so loving, so perfectly pure and poised in nobility, the world would never be the same without Him. His noble nature was so heart=warming that when His spirit left His body, the Earth was bound forever in Winter. He was the light. He was everything. And now He was gone.

And she couldn’t fathom the loss. She couldn’t move for how miserable she felt. She begged the mound to pull her in and give her relief to her suffering. She begged for the death she would never be given. For in her heart she knew His death was the beginning of her immortal life. And she would forever bear the weight of an eternity without the reason for forever. She had her wish. She would live forever knowing true love. But she never knew that when making wishes you have to cover all your bases and she didn’t mention in her wish that True Love should not come with the cost of True Loss.  And so she mourned on the Mound of The One She Loved Most. True Love. True Life. True Luck. Lost. Gone. Forever.

Where does your story go when that is your beginning? What do you care to tell anyone about when the whole reason you have words is because God killed himself to give you His immortality? How do you free yourself of the weight of existence when the whole weight was a gift from the One Who Loved You Most?

What words do you want to hear most when you only care to end the immortal life you don’t care to live anymore?

Let the story-telling begin because this fairytale happy ending was over before it began.

Where does the story lead when the greatest loss already happened?

How do you find Hope, Faith, Light, and Freedom when the whole reason behind life has passed away into nothingness?

For the one on the mound, she‘s holding firmly to one solid truth:

He made you feel better even when he wasn’t there to give you his warmth.

Now the mound is the only warmth of His she has left. Yet in His memory she‘s determined to make something of His Gift of Immortality.

So what comes next?

Stick around to see what else is uncovered in the coming days.

For the story from the beginning: Where’s Alice?

For the previous post: Rune of Translation

For the next post in the series of words that is Where’s Alice?: LOVE’s Triangle

Written Post 4:20am on 4/5/19 Inspired after telling Perfect Peter how much I loved him. He told me that I should write about that. That my words were something special.