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Previous Post: Woefully Uneasy

October 7, 2016

My family has lost almost everything we had going for us. The way of life we once enjoyed is no more. So where do you go from there?  I know what I had doesn’t work for me anymore so I am not chasing that dream. But now I don’t know exactly what I want so I can start working for it.

Right now, the most basic thing I am in need of is a home for my family. We are currently homeless and living off the generosity of close friends. Life is good in that sense, though my troubles may be more than I can handle, I am still lucky enough to have friends that are able to help get us through these trying times. The problem there is that our tough times make it tough for our friends too. The pressure to rebound quickly is strong because my friends are doing a nice thing and I don’t want to take from them forever.

But how do you rebound when you’re still not up to handling the daily tasks that come with life. I feel sidelined by my inability to handle day to day problems. Taking care of my three year old and one year old during the day taxes me. I struggle to take on the additional responsibilities that come along with living in a house which is worrisome. My friends know I cannot contribute in a normal way. They are very understanding about my illness however the way they asked me to help out is to keep up with the housework that the others are unable to attend to because they are working out of the house all day and night. Big problem there because I have never been good at housework let alone keeping it up to the standards of a “clean and tidy” family. So far I have been able to keep up with the dishes and keeping a clean kitchen. Other chores like dusting and mopping are hard for me to get to.

Which is what brings me back to the hard part of starting over – figuring out what exactly I should be doing to be getting back on track again. I don’t even know what back on track really is and yet I’ve set the goal to get there. I guess the first step to figuring out how to get back on track is to actually decide and define what it means to be “back on track.” It is impossible to achieve a goal if I don’t first set something accomplishable.

More than anything I want to provide a stable home for my children. Stability includes regular meals, paid utilities, adequate sleeping arrangements, area to finish schoolwork, and access to different forms of entertainment – all things I have found over this downperiod are important to keeping my sanity.

A home is important, probably the most important part to getting back on track, however so is our car. Without the car, access to everything (work, store, school, doctors, etc.)  becomes extremely limited. Therefore, while we struggle to summon the money for a house, we also need to save money to repair the car that is no longer safe to drive.

This is where I struggle. Our income is extremely limited, we don’t have extra. How do you save for some future purchase when you don’t even have enough to make the purchases of things you need currently? I always decide to purchase what we need which never leaves any saving for what we need in the bigger picture. It’s a bad cycle I cannot seem to get out of. But how do you stop needing what you need to save money?

Reviewing what is important to me clearly tells me getting back on track is going to include multiple factors, not just one clearly defined task. Home, car, and income seem to be the things I need most at this point. Knowing what I want helps me feel less lost when I start to consider how I am going to spend my days working towards getting “back on track”.

I think that’s a good place to stop this blog and a good point to start my day.

Side Note: I think I am going to try to journal more of my emotions when I feel overwhelmed. Getting out this one problem out helped alleviate some of the stress that my anxiety has already created today.

Next Post: Insane Confessions