September 13, 2016
I am feeling uncomfortable. I struggle to find the words to describe why I am feeling so off. I feel that something is looming. Sometimes I have a lot of anxiety over what exactly is looming. Sometimes time cannot pass fast enough to get to the event. An event that never happens.
Why is my mind stuck on the idea that something big is coming for me?
Is this how I deal with the fact that very little of my life is in my control?
Every day I have the same feeling of unease and yet no sense of understanding about what I am feeling comes to me. I continue to feel lost and uneasy. Is it possible to drive yourself crazy based on a feeling you just cannot get rid of?
My husband has been telling me for years that he feel he is going to die before his 40th birthday. Perhaps the looming feeling has to do with the day we part. I already struggle with wanting to live. I cannot fathom losing my constant source of light.
And here is where I start spiraling about how bad my life will be when I lose my husband. Or is it? I’m not going to let my mind travel down that negative road this time. Instead I will come back to the sense of unease I feel and try to dig further and see what might be lurking behind that closed door.
For so long I felt on top of the world. Now I feel the weight of the world crushing down on my shoulders. I thought before I had my stuff together and that my life would fall neatly into place. Now I feel my life hangs in the balance, on the cusp of falling apart completely.
Where I used to find comfort, I now only have stress and anxiety.
When I blog I hope to release pent up emotions. Right now, I feel this release is only stirring up more uneasiness. Rather than continue down that path I am going to take the healthy option and find something more worthwhile to do with my time.
Like watching a show with my emotional seven year old. It seems she is having a rough day too. Perhaps we can bond over our shared uncomfortableness.
Until next time.