August 21, 2016
Four children means little to no time to myself. I don’t have a regular contingency of people who can watch my children for me. I spend almost all day, every single day with my children.
Today is special. Grandma took the three oldest for the day, to be dropped off at some point later in the evening. The baby is playing nicely in the pack and play while Daddy is snoozing on the couch. The family we stay with is out of town on vacation. The house is quiet and I actually have time to do whatever I want to do. Likely without interruption.
I could paint. I could draw. I could find something new to read. I choose to take the time to get my mind out in the open where I can remember the things that are going on and how I am feeling on any given day.
I am nobody special. I have nobody wanting to know the in and outs of my days, outside of my family. Yet I still feel the need to express myself. I guess I find myself wanting to connect to that one solitary stranger on the internet, that might just be feeling what I am feeling, all alone and in need of a little empathy. I guess that’s why I turn to my blog. When I cannot fathom how to process my emotions, I try to get it up on the internet so someone else can weigh in on how I am feeling.
Things Weighing on my Mind
- How I will get out of living in my friend’s basement?
- How I will raise functional adults when I feel I am barely functioning myself?
- Will my children be able to attend public school this year?
- How long will my “sanity” last before my next manic episode?
I’m going to stop here and expand upon the last one because this is where the majority of my anxiety resides. I fear the uncontrollable things I will do when I am manic and perceiving reality incorrectly. For example, in a moment of manic rage I was ready to kill myself, had a knife in my hand and was actually forcefully slicing my arm in defiant rage before I came to and realized what I had just attempted to do. Something stopped that knife from cutting my arm. I believe that something was God. I should have been sliced open and somehow there wasn’t even a mark on my skin despite there being a deep mark afterwards where I attempted to slice. But what if that something special doesn’t happen again the next time? What else will I do to myself in some manic state of insanity?
How do I keep myself from becoming something I cannot naturally control on my own?
Right now that means, I am medicated with medicine that is actually helping curb the hallucinations/misinterpretations. I still have them and have to defeat those thoughts constantly in order to stay in my right state of mind. I try not to worry about what will happen if the medicine stops working but I cannot deny my mind goes there frequently.
After pausing to enjoy the afternoon, I came back to this post for a recap of the day for myself:
Things I did today:
- Got the girls dressed and ready to go to AJ’s 4th birthday party with Grandma. Put on clean dresses, brushed and styled hair, and took them to the Dollar Tree to get a present and balloon for the party.
- Got to visit with my Dad while waiting for Lisa to get back from the store
- Got to talk to Stephen about how I am doing
- Spent the afternoon with Patrick watching TV, smoking, and talking
- Helped Patrick-Henry when his finger got tangled tightly in a plastic loop tie that was still attached to his Pack N Play.
Today was a good day. I was able to keep myself in a very positive place all day long. Days like these are hard to come by and I very much appreciated mine.