August 12, 2016
It has been twelve days since I last posted on my blog. In those days, my son had a scary seizure that took him to the hospital at four in the morning, I had big epiphanies about why my body works the way it does, I found new understandings about how I operate mentally, I lived wholesome moments with the family right out of a fairy tale along with a myriad of other noteworthy events. All kinds of material that I want to share with my readers to help develop a base of understanding for what my life truly is like.
And yet I find myself struggling to sit down and write out exactly what I want to say. Why is it so hard to get out what I already feel motivated to share?
Sometimes I wonder if I am stuck in a lackluster stage of wanting to open up and be a true person of the people – one who shares all the intimate details of their life while embracing the questions that come with living life differently than others – but not being able to open up in the way I want.
As I sit here and type I feel it is time I start making an effort to explain where I stand at this juncture in my life and why I feel it is important to share that position with others. Otherwise I feel my opportunity for something special will pass me by, leaving me an old lady regretting what she could have done if she had only taken a chance.
Today’s chance is to explain what my life actually looks like.
- I am the mother of three girls and one boy, ages 10 months through 8 years old. Before my bipolar breakdown in May 2014, I was a stay at home mom. Since the breakdown I have tried to maintain my role as caregiver but have found myself giving the reigns over to my husband, leaving him to be a single dad while I had to focus on getting my mental state back under control.
- These days I am responsible for and capable of waking up with the children, preparing their meals, maintaining their daily activities, and providing a stable parent to interact with. While this is what is called for just by being a parent, this level of parenting has been out of my reach since the breakdown. Functionally, I was not able to care for myself, let alone take on the additional responsibility of minors. On a positive note, I have found being responsible for others makes me more capable of caring for myself. I have learned to make my family my motivation when depression takes away my drive to get out of bed.
- I struggle to get through each and every day. I no longer know how to pass minutes without worrying how I will make the next second work for me. I don’t know how to explain the anxiety that now pervades my life. Before I never remember fretting over how I would pass to the next second. Now my every second is filled with worry about how I will do something that will meaningfully contribute to the next second to make sure that I am at all times trying to fix my situation. It is tiring and burdensome. And I am doing everything I can to figure out how to stop.
- I am doing well on my medication. I have been taking Risperidone and Trazadone since the beginning of April and have a major increase in my lucidity and cognition. Where before medicine seemed like something that was an enemy to my natural state of being, I have come to rely on my medicine as a helper to create the stability I need in my life to cope. On the days I forget to take my medicine I notice a difference. The loss of control over my lucidity develops quickly. I used to desire that loss of reality, now I fear it because it represents all I have to lose just by being myself.
- Coping is all I have these days. I find myself stretching minutes together in the hope that minutes will pass by. Today is a tough day where the minutes seem harder to get through. So I am finding ways to pass time. Nothing important but it involves doing something so I don’t feel as though I am waiting for time to get me.
Oh the mania. Such a thing to deal with. Each day gives me encouragement that I can do this. Each day brings me a sense of fear that I am inching closer to the breakdown I won’t recover from.
And here I wait to see what happens when I lose it all.