Today’s Goal: Get my mood under control in time for the Easter Egg Hunt I wish to take the children to. I missed the first time slot and am determined to make it for the second.
Initial Sit Down Rant:
Welcome to the world of rapid cycling bipolar. Yesterday I was holy manic. Today I am Karma Kristan. Karma Kristan is the type of day where I am given back exactly what I invest my energy into. I woke up feeling as though I would prefer death to life which is the prevalent feeling on my down days. I am not suicidal in that I am actively considering how I will end my life but rather I am extremely morose about the quality of life and the state of my personal wellbeing. So much so that I am left feeling that God is punishing me to live a tortured existence for the sake of people who don’t care enough to care about the welfare of people who aren’t doing so well all because I committed the mortal sin of being born human. Which further complicates things because I have no recollection of asking to be born in a state that would doom me to a sinful and tortured existence. Quite predictably, my attitude and actions have amounted to nothing more than a petulant mother wishing she were dead while she had the blessing to wake up to four angelic children alive and safe in their beds with blessings continuing on from there along with a sleeping husband that could get up and help in a pinch if I would just get over myself and ask for help on this rough day.
But I am not that strong and kind of crazy in that I constantly test my limits and see what I can do and so I will see how well I can manage this on my own. Starting by pulling a tube of cinnamon rolls from the fridge so my family can enjoy a small sweet treat together on a difficult morning.
My mother’s husband killed himself on the ninth. Today is the funeral. I was asked not to attend because my two brothers promised that if I showed up they would make a scene. I appreciate not having to go to the funeral because I only wanted to be there for my mom. Because of our tumultuous history, I never established any type of close connection to her husband and so while I am mourning the passing of another grandparent who dearly loved his grandchildren, I do not need closure in the traditional sense. Being asked to stay home from an event with people who actively wish harm and hate on me rang true as a blessing yesterday. Today it hurts to be rejected by the people who I feel should know me better than anyone else.
Because I feel hurt by the rejection of my birth family, the childish part of me is subconsciously rejecting the true family I have that loves me through all of my issues. This rejection hurts so bad it changes my core motivation (pulling close to my loved ones) to one where I actively complain about the very people I am thankful for, avoid the loving energy that buoys me in these dark moments, pray for God to end my life, and ultimately do nothing to promote myself as the positive upbeat person I desire to be.
Real-time Update: The cinnamon rolls were perfect. Warm, soft, and gooey – an edible representation of the energy I wish to bring to the day. Daddy enjoyed waking up to the warm roll. Patience devoured hers and immediately wished for seconds. Pru is under the weather and could barely get any of hers down and so was quite happy to pass her unwanted portion to her big sister. Providence happily ate the top half of the roll and told me she was finished because she didn’t like the rest. Mommy was excited all around and is left feeling more inclined to continue the upward push through this depressed fog of rejection I am feeling.
- The children do not know what is coming but they are looking forward to a surprise. This helps keep me focused on not pulling myself further down and ruin the children’s day with my own negative/dark aura.
- Grandma is a part of this excursion. I have help in the form of a true companion, someone I consider to be going through the same things that trouble me which helps me manage the anxiety of being out in public while I am “falling to pieces”.
- The children need special activities like this. I often feel as though because I spend so much time managing my own illness I am not able to spend much energy on excursions and events that are commonplace for other children. Giving them a piece of “normalcy” helps further stabilize my feelings of inadequacy.
With a lot of focused energy and concentrated thought manipulation I am in the process of turning myself around. At 6am when my morning started I was cursing God for allowing to wake up yet again. At 9am I was ranting about wanting to be dead and how I never get a break. At 10am I was morosely focused on getting perked up. At 10:50am I am ready to head to the store to get formula for the baby so I can be back in time to load all three girls in the car and head out for the Easter Egg hunt.
Truthfully, I still wish for death. Life is too hard for me to truly appreciate what it has to offer. But knowing that God gave me life despite my desire against it, it tells me I have more work to do before I get my ending. So while not in the best of spirits I would hope to be in, I am still feeling higher than I started with the positive energy rolling to continue the upward momentum.
Today is going to be a good day because I WILL MAKE IT GOOD.