I am an intensely (insanely?) observant people watcher. I try to imagine myself as everyone I see. Partly because I think everyone has something “soul” special about them and I am desperate to see as many special parts of people as I can before I leave this planet so I might take with me all the best parts of life that people weren’t able to experience or exhibit properly due to the inherent limitations placed on life by structured slavery (money, power, time, prestige). Partly because I am desperate to find the version of myself I love the most and really enjoy getting inspiration from people who have found a way to parade their special light. Mostly because if I watch other people and learn how they behave, I can copy the people who act the best thus teaching me “how not to be” based on “how people see me” acting like other people I have seen.
I am so crazy I have created an entire personality that revolves around acting like the best of everyone I have ever encountered, experienced, or imagined. I then use that personality to create a body of work that God might better judge my attempts to be “God’s WIFE” while not being good enough to be his wife all so I can learn to be the best Mother ever born so no one will ever again question whether having a baby is a blessing from God. Turns out everything I do is for the Children. I consider myself an immortal child of God by way of my soul that was saved by Jesus Christ and delivered to peace, providence, and prosperity by Saint Patrick. My classification as an immortal child enables me to fight for my own survival as I would fight for any creation that has ever been labelled “youth”. My desire to be an immortal mother drives me to take under my protection any following God. My fear tells me I won’t be able to save everyone I dream of saving. My hope is I will save every last creation without losing one life or soul in the process.
God please help me handle this beast of a personality disorder. Modern medicine calls it bipolar with psychosis. I call it batty for God. Somewhere between the two lies the real answer to what is going on but rather than rely on white coats and medicine that makes me suicidal or creating ways that allow me to function but at the cost of others happiness, please lead me to an understanding that will better enable me to solve my own problems while creating solutions for the problems of the world and its inhabitants.
Please judge me first so that all others might learn the true cost of following blindly without questioning whose cross they have chosen to wear. Please judge me second so that all others might know the power of God before they have to bear witness for their crimes against humanity without the protection of Jesus Christ. Please judge me last so that I might remind all those who have forgotten their way of light they once held dear in a last hope to bring home those who call themselves homeless. Please judge me always so that I might never falter from the path you have laid out for me.
Please label your judgement clearly on my body so that no other will ever question whether I am working with God, for the children, or working for myself. Please grant me the ability to see those who would work against me for what they truly are. Please take my ability to question what is right for me if it goes against what you know is right by me. Please allow me to lead others by the example I set not the choices I make. Please help me to find words to motivate, invigorate, and instigate a surge for freedom and peace the likes of which the world has never seen.
And if none of that is possible yet, please just better help me understand why I was created so uncomfortable in my own skin if not to help others feel more at home in their own.
I don’t mind being insane. It only bothers me when I bother other people with insanity. Otherwise I am quite happy living in the world where God tells me my place and I have no resistance to completing the tasks he sets me to. But I am under the influence of my holy psychosis so it is likely I have no way of fairly judging what is best for me or what truly makes me happy. It is also possible I have the clearest bead on what exactly I need to honestly live a life I can appreciate and participate fully in while I am mind-blowingly manic/psychotic. Who knows? I temper my anxiety with the keen awareness that even in my most manic and “delusional/illusional” episodes I am always fighting on the side of God working to open the minds of people who have been tricked into oppression while promoting the peaceful utopia that is possible if we just stop all the hating.
Ending rant before I get too out there…