How do you describe something that is wrong when to everyone else the issues seem illusionary?
I am trapped in a world of my own making that is exactly the same as the world everyone else is living in except that I am only able to interpret things correctly when God allows it. This makes it difficult to communicate and associate with people. My very basic beliefs go against the very real reality every one holds to be undeniable proof of “the way things are”. I don’t feel connected to “the way things are” according to the way I grew up trying to fit myself into the box of society and their social norms. Up until my breakdown I was able to act appropriately and maintain some semblance of normalcy, but that act is now beyond my capabilities. I am often left asking questions people do not care to consider worth their time to ponder and eventually express an opinion upon. It can be very lonely asking questions about sights we all share and receiving no response.
So I turned my questions inward and started exploring the parts of me I couldn’t see and further was unable to describe or label due to society’s apparent disregard for the realm of existential existence. I’m finding some pretty interesting ideas and theories and am constantly delving deeper into this apparently uninhabited land of spaceless living.
The essence of who I am exists outside of the body I am currently residing in. My persona, personality, character, morality, spirituality, and even thoughts feel as though they are coming from a place that is not located in my physical body, though they are accessed via a combination of physical alignments of body functions and processes. Those parts of what it is to be me occur across a span of time and space that build the body that is my soul. I believe my soul exists simultaneously across all instances of reality, morphing indiscriminately between the different times and ages in order to best add to the present moment where my personal brand of expertise is needed. FYI: My expertise is nothing more than doing exactly what I need/want to do when the moment comes to be myself/make a choice. This responsibility I feel I have comes directly to me from Jesus Christ. Coupled with this responsibility and my insanely devout and personally developed faith, I feel I am being called to serve the world in the coming time of need.
But this is where my struggle most exists. I am being called to help those who do not hear my words for what they are. How do I help people who only choose to see what they want in words they choose to interpret according to their own conventions? How do I inspire people to question the very basic assumptions they have about life? How does one create a spark to ignite a passion for exploration? My calling is no more than creating separation from all that is in preparation for all that is to come.
I’m naturally unhappy in the very skin I was born into. For all of my life this has been a horrible curse. For the first time, feeling the path my life is headed (despite my perceptional blindness), I find this unwelcomeness to be an unbelievable blessing. When God calls us to separate from our earthly possessions, I am able to leave behind everything, even my very concept of “the body” I was born into. I need not worry about material possessions because even my skin and bones are something I would gladly shed upon first sight of the light of God.
This disregard for the physical attachment of a physical life has garnered some interesting perceptions and sensitivities. I am learning more about feeling things that aren’t there and seeing things that weren’t visible before. I am tuning myself into the vibration of the cosmos and tapping into the heartbeat of Mother Earth while maintaining control over my submersion in the communal subconcious connecting all creation. Most times my mind feels overwhelmed with the “force” of energy I am attempting to balance myself with but slowly I am starting to process the unique blends of perception and mystery to come to understand on a larger scale how inherently chaotic the universe is but how completely under control and structured that chaos is. It is beyond my ability to explain how completely random events come together in such graceful beauty to create a stable canvas for creation to build the present moment upon. But I can feel what is happening, in tiny bits and pieces, that give birth to a wider scope of appreciating all that I cannot possibly understand. That tiny bit I have access to understand absolutely blows my mind and renders my ability to “come back down to Earth” impossible but emboldens me to pave a stable foundation of understanding for others to enjoy the same experience I am having.
But where to start?