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In a lesson where I was trying to teach my daughters words that have different past tenses associated with them, I came across six words that felt blasphemous to me and my view of God. No matter how I tried to spin these words I could not get them to associate properly with the idea of God that I carry in my heart and soul.

My test for blasphemy:

MAKE THE WORD FEEL “right by God”

So I tried the most basic trial I could think of, using the word and God in the same simple sentence.

I ring God. I ring at God. I ring to God. I ring by God. I ring around God.

I beat God. I beat up God. I beat around God. I beat above God.

I forget God. I forget about God. I forget around God. I forget to God.

I hurt God. I hurt about God. I hurt by God. I hurt at God. I hurt below God.

I buy God. I buy by God. I buy about God. I buy for God. I buy around God.

I spend God. I spend in God. I spend on God. I spend at God. I spend to God.

All sentences that seem pretty simple and basic and okay on paper. But when you try to apply meaning to these sentences is where I start to take issue with the words. And only when you start to apply meaning in a certain way – and it definitely does not allow for wiggle room in my definition of “a certain way”.

Therefore rather than say that I have an outright hatred or belief in the blasphemy of these six words, I could simply state that I hold it to be true that these six words can be used in such a way, particularly in the past tense and past participle tense, that I believe firmly that God would smite down whoever was dumb enough to try to find the correct combination of blasphemy in order to warrant being killed by God by saying the wrong thing.

I don’t know the correct order. I don’t care to learn what it is. All I know is that if you mess with those six words and your intention is to “fuck with” God, then you are going to find yourself in a real “shit storm” situation.

And so in a lesson that involved 90 different words that all had irregular past tense and past participle tenses to the words, I found 6.66% of the words to be blasphemous. Rather than spout on about how to fix the majority, I will leave it simply at I am going to make sure to teach my children how to speak properly and in ways that won’t make God mad.

Regardless of the vocabulary I was taught as a child.