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That’s how you know you messed up…. *doo hoo doo hooo*

I think the song has something to do with singing about people who can tell they messed up their lives due to their present circumstances. I have been living my mistakes in a clouded state of extremely aware mania while maintaining an absolute unawareness of how disconnected my sense of reality had become.

Time for a Reality Check:

I am sitting in a house that I pay no rent to live in but am still on the hook for the gas, water, and electric. I don’t technically have a landlord and therefore cannot expect repairs for very real issues that existed before we moved in and continue to deteriorate at a rapid pace. I don’t have a lease and therefore can be kicked out at any given moment if the homeowner gets tired of my manic bullshittery. Currently there is no water due to our inability to create any cash inflow. We also have been unable to pay the gas or electric bill. All utilities came with a large past due balance on the account from before we moved in due to the owner and our roommate getting everything turned on and then never making a single payment. This means we are unable to ask for extenuating circumstances because low-appreciation-for-lifes have already bled this account dry and pushed it past its maximum tolerance thresholds. No money has come into the house and so no money has been outlayed for utilities. And yet there is both gas and electric and access to water albeit in a different fashion than is deemed acceptable in the modern world. For the time being…

My water comes in the form of a next door neighbor who will let me carry as many buckets of water as I’m willing to fill back to my house whenever I need in return for me being willing to watch her kids whenever she needs (though she has only ever asked me one time which made me feel actually helpful). The toilet gets flushed any time someone takes a dookie. The dishes get washed via cold scrubs for anything decently dirty, boiled soaks for utensils doubling as hot water for washing caked on dirty dishes, and cold water rinses using a measuring cup to neatly rinse the soap off without wasting too much water in the process. It is a tiring and backbreaking process but so is life.

Stinky too – flushing toilets with buckets of water lets these putrid puffs of petulant poop-scented water that slaps you in the face every single time you empty someone else’s shit down that teeny-tiny-too-small-hole-to-easily-flush-shit-down cave they called a poop shute (or maybe that’s just me). Either way keeping the house clean with buckets of water is a tedious task but that’s what is required when living without income. Though all the extra work makes it difficult to find time to actually get work outside of the home…. but that’s “my” problem for being poor. /end-side-track

The electric is scheduled to be shut of on the 19th. Our gas was relatively current and is not really out of control yet and therefore is technically in “shut off” notice zone but not really likely to get disconnected. We qualify for a program called HEAP and so I will take my bills to a government office on Monday to apply for assistance with my gas and electric bill. I believe getting this program will enable me to avoid disconnection while only having to pay 6% of my total bill. Fingers crossed I am not mistaken and this will keep our home warm for the holidays. Fingers crossed I learn how to timetravel or spontaneously cast myself in two different locations. I have to be at the government place at 7am but be done before 8am which is when I need to leave to take my girls to school.

Overall I call this part of my life a breakeven point- there’s good, there’s bad, but overall it is worth the effort and so I will continue attempting to break out of the hole I’m living in but keep fighting to exercise myself out of the laborious effort needed to maintain such a shitty lifestyle while working diligently to protect my family from Children’s Services who are breathing down our necks and planning nonstop for ways to earn money while not being able to leave the home nor neglect my motherly duties and still demand a competitive wage to support my family on.

Can anyone see why I might have gone off the deep end?

That song is playing in my head again. Lyrics are the uncensored YouTube video, not the radio version like in the beginning.

“That’s how you know you fucked up.”

I take this to mean I am a fucked up person to be able to deal with so much and still find a way to find pleasure in the life I’m living. Enough to want to broadcast it to the world, all so when people want to feel they have it bad, they can click over to “Life on the Lump” and measure their lumps against someone who also has it rough.

I take my Lumps from Living Life Loosely and I wear them like badges of honor. My bruises come from having to take blow after blow to my ego, every time I am unable to provide an essential need to the children I am trying to raise without breaking. My scars are the imprints of bad behavior I cannot erase from my memory nor wish to forget due to the steep consequences of my inability to control myself and exercise sound judgement. I lay myself open for anyone to pick apart because I’ve already torn myself to shreds trying to figure out how I deserve to be living like less than a human by modern standards but needing to be grateful because others have it worse while fighting internally not to lash out at every last person feeding into this ridiculous system while having endless ideas for creating cohesive communities but being heldback by a medical diagnosis I am unable to receive adequate care to treat nor obtain adequate resources to self-manage.

But that’s Life on the Lump.

If you care to spare a buck or two, I promise I will do whatever you want me to.

https://www.gofundme.com/LifeOnTheLump

No joke, I really am willing to jump through hoops to beg for money for my family. I’m like a performing chick-who-can’t-see and quite capable of performing interesting and entertaining tasks for personal and public enjoyment and entertainment. Curious about what I can do, just ask a question or two. *lol* That was too much…

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