Yesterday was an interesting day. I lost my water. I gained the ability to break wind and clear a room in a single blow. I reached out to an anonymous world requesting much needed assistance. I received the government food stamp card we have been waiting eleven days to receive.
Waking up at 5am to prep the house for lack of water was a bitch considering by 1:15am today I was not given the opportunity for rest or relaxation. My morning prepping included filling two huge pink basins with water, gathering and washing two loads of dirty laundry, and bathing myself. If I had more time I would have filled countless milk jugs, pots and pans, and any other container I could find to give my family as much water as possible. However dishes were dirty and having to get the girls ready for school came before water shortage preppage. Left to take the girls to school with the intention of returning and continuing the prepping until the water was shut off. Came home and the water was shut of… by 9:05am. No more prepping necessary.
At the end of the day (when I passed out at 1:30am on Lumpy Longefellow while breastfeeding the baby), almost all of my clean water has been used up. The tub I filled with clean water has been contaminated with a pair of poopy underwear. A considerate, albeit shortsighted person, removed the offending underwear and let the water out of the drain. Kudos for getting rid of the shit, but not so great on letting at least 20 gallons of good toilet water, perfect for flushing actual poop, down the drain without a second thought. One whole basin of water (of my two)has already been used to flush the toilet for our people who must poop and don’t care to smell their shit after the deuce has been laid and to wash the dishes I didn’t get to clean before the water was shut off. So after one day of living without running water, I am already almost out of water. Not good at all. But I’ll worry about that when I run out of water.
Something crawled up my family’s proverbial rectum and decided to die there. All weekend we have been quite gassy. However, yesterday the gas took a disturbingly painful turn. Any type of holding in the fart pressure left me doubling over in pain. I literally had to release the toxic fumes in order to save my body from intense pain and crippling cramping. Sadly, my toxic fumes led to my daughter giving me the title of “Queen of Farts”. If my life weren’t so shitty I might actually be offended. Instead, I ran with it and made everyone around me pay the price of stinky farts.
I took it on myself to release the “ass-kraken” and bomb my husband, my kids, and any people who had the unfortunate coincidence to cross my stinky path. I was unapologetic and most times laughing as I did it. It is near impossible not to crack a smile when the smell of rotting death is released from your ass and people look at you in shock. I personally like to think their silent thoughts are something akin to “HOW THE HELL DOES SOMETHING THAT RANK FALL OUT OF YOUR BODY?!?” which makes me giggle all the more.
Interestingly, as deplorable as people find farting, I took great pleasure in it. I couldn’t help how gassy I was or how painful it was to hold in. I have no control over the foulness. And I have no desire to sugar coat my whiffs of shit to make people more comfortable – consider it a passive-aggressive way to pay people back for not helping out the “poor people” of the world. I take “chemical-warfare” to a whole new “natural” level. And let me tell you, I think the bombs my ass detonates are far more toxic and much more effective than any nuclear bomb could dream of being. Yep – my asshole releases toxic fumes that I use to punish any and all close enough to smell me.
Hopefully the gas will pass because I would like to smell the fresh air also. I’m not just about obliterating people’s nostrils. But until then, know I will be aiming my farts at people acting particularly shitty. And blast them with a shit-eating grin after I blow their mind with the stench of my epic bullshit.
I am still nervous about asking people for help. Through our difficult times my husband and I have fought tooth and nail to avoid leaning too heavily on other people. And despite our best efforts otherwise, we became a burden to the few people left to our “unpopulated with people” life, driving those beloved blessings further away than they already were. Knowing that our prolonged poverty may have cost my husband every friendship he holds dear breaks my heart. But broken hearts aren’t important when there is food to find, money to make, and a life to pay for. Someday I hope to repay the generosity his friends showed us. Until then I’m making plans for making things right for my family.
First off I am going to create a “GoFundME” page today. Plenty of people help out for plenty of reasons. While I detest the idea of a website taking a percentage of the generosity for no other reason than they created a website to facilitate the transfer, I detest the idea of not providing for my family more than I value my scruples. The morality of how the website is operating is shady at best, but even at their worst they are still enabling good people to ask other good people for assistance. And to that end, I am on board with what they’re doing.
Either today or tomorrow I am going to find a “cam site” where I can start showing off my body to earn money. God gave me huge boobs and a curvy body. This life has starved my body down to something the world doesn’t mind looking at. I have no problem flaunting my nakedness, especially when I can provide for my family doing nothing more than wearing the skin I was given. That being said, I’m also going to take the cam time to teach people the real ins and outs of loving like a goddess and fucking like a pornstar, and all about how to blow minds while pleasuring the body. A few years ago I would never have dreamed I would be pursuing a career in the porn industry, but that was when I had things like money and pride and gave a shit about what people thought of me. Today, I don’t mind the negative criticism that will come with being a pornstar because if it gives my children what I believe they need, then it will always be worth it in my book.
FOOD IN THE PANTRY:
I no longer have to worry about food (so long as the government keeps refilling my “food stamp” debit card). Yesterdaay’s mail came after 5:30pm and with it came the hope of eating real food. I left for the store at 7:15pm and didn’t get back until 9:23pm, 45 minutes of which was used solely to check out. I rolled up to the checkout aisle with my shopping cart piled high and sideways – food stuff was falling out left, right, and otherwise. IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!
I spent $456.60 and filled up three shopping carts with things my family CAN AND WILL eat with much excitement, endless appreciation, and almost shameful reckless abandon. We have lived on garbage for so long that this shopping trip rang true as “living like rich people”. Knowing that on the eighth of next month we will receive $907 to buy food for November takes all pressure off my mind regarding food (allowing me to focus on correcting other important issues affecting my life).
I can provide pictures of the receipt if you’re interested in that. I can take pictures of my jam-packed refrigerator, shelves, and cupboards if you care to see what a happy family puts in their healthy and plentiful food stores.
Or I can do whatever you want me to do, document it for your pleasure, and send it with all my love in exchange for something my family needs to get back on track.
Things we need:
Money for Bills, Beds, Clothes, Shoes, Coats, Kitchen Utensils, School Supplies, Arts & Crafts items.
I’ll be back soon to share more of the chaos that is my life on the lump.