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Why is it so unclear who I AM?

My husband dreams of real things and rarely takes breaks from reality.

I daydream through reality, wondering if what’s going on around me is really real or partially imagined or an undefinable, indescribable mix of both and barely manage to breathe through my real day to day life.

Why is it so hard to have high hopes and daring dreams?

My husband works hard and manages to hardly work while taking care of business.

I work endlessly to maintain, tirelessly to stabilize, relentlessly to help, and somehow still struggle to piece together some semblance of the working balance necessary to attempt to get “shit” done in an acceptable manner.

Why is it so difficult to feel truly loved and honestly valued?

My husband has friends who enjoy his company and people who seek his approval.

I have a husband who cannot understand how I think nor communicate on my wavelength yet desires my presence constantly to which I feel titanically pulled towards, children I absolutely adore and insanely worship yet cannot handle being around despite their critical need to be around me, and a select few number of “friend-like” people who can sporadically tolerate my existence and occasionally reach out to contact me for companionship, coupled with an intense need to touch and be touched by friends who know me and love me as I am, yet am never provided the relief of feeling understood at that level to find true peace and comfort in the presence of others enough to consider them real friends.

Why does it take so much effort to be alive?

My husband looks at life and finds contentment with a hopeful eye towards a happier tomorrow.

I see what is before me, I feel what I feel, I think where I need to, and I attempt to decipher how that plays into the world that exists outside of my own person. I filter in the past moments for clarity and continuity and factor in the “history” as “we” know it to understand what others might be seeing, feeling, and thinking. I twist and turn my perceptions, perspectives, and positions until I feel my “self” click into “understanding” with what is around me. I use that understanding, in that moment, to decide how to proceed to my next moment.

Why does planning for the future feel so time consuming?

My husband plans for a forever house and a love filled family and actively moves his life towards the direction of his vision.

I plan for unconditional love, universal understanding, worlds of peace, metaphysical extensions of harmony and the development of a utopian community where all benefit and all prosper endlessly and without limit or fail. I smother, saturate, and steep my every movement, action, intention, thought, and desire in meaning, purpose, conviction, and passion to funnel all my energy towards achieving my lofty goals.

Why am I working so hard when my body wants to call it quits?

My husband feels alive and finds happiness in his life.

I desire death so much it brings value to even the darkest moments of my life. I know that at any given moment if God were to ask me to vacate my body I would do so without a moment’s pause. Knowing I am willing to walk away from everything that has been so generously placed before me motivates me to appreciate every detail that is around me, calling attention to what moves me most and heartens my days with light and love. I live life to justify desiring death.