Today I made the choice to disregard my husband’s plans for the morning and allow the family one more day of going against the grain and spending another wonderful day letting our bodies wake up naturally. Since tomorrow is the first day of school he had the very wise idea of going through a “practice run” of what we are hoping (not planning because plans always unravel under pressure) our morning routine will look like for the new school year and even had the sweet idea to take them get donuts (a huge treat in their eyes) as a reward since we didn’t actually have anywhere to be. I loved it. He imagined a routine that would work for the family and even wanted to give it a test before the clock started, the bell tolls, and I send my girls off to be raised by people I don’t trust are provided everything they need to raise healthy, happy, and holeless (morally sound) little people. Such a wonderful thing for bipolar me who needs stability and structure but HATES enforcing my style of routine on other people and so never really adheres to anything that makes others have to work harder for my sake.
When my body woke me up at 5:45, I felt sleepy and exhausted but mentally stimulated. I didn’t want to go back to sleep and while simultaneously rejecting the notion of moving an inch from the under the warm blankets. My third trimester squished bladder had different ideas for my lazy carcass and so up I got to trudge to the bathroom. While relieving myself, brushing my hair, and mentally preparing myself for the day ahead (I like to “get shit done” while I’m “sitting on the shitter” – makes me giggle but it’s true) my body started to really get its gears going. And yet a huge part of me wanted to crawl under the covers and lay back down (a gentle trick my body likes to play to lure me into a horizontal position so shortly after I will lull myself to sleep with my thoughts).
When I am feeling such a dichotomy internally, I look to “outside of my body signs” to indicate how I would feel comfortable proceeding. The wake up alarm Patrick set for himself had come and gone with any indication of being close to entering the waking world. Knowing he had stayed up after I fell asleep to squeeze in some gaming, I wagered his sleepiness is the excess enigmatic empathy I am feeling that is causing the sense of unbalance. As soon as I processed that, my “sleepiness” changed and I felt awake and capable of moving forward with the day.
As I sit here enjoying the light slowly brightening the room, the peaceful hum, chirps, and tweets that come in these quiet day hours, and the silence that pervades this seemingly restless house, I find myself peacefully content. I am on the cusp. Yesterday felt like the beginning and the end of something. Today feels like the last day of summer and the fountain of youthful innocence and freedom is dispersing its last drops to all those standing open mouthed in the downpour. Manic translation: Summer is the time to be free and time has almost run out. Tomorrow school starts up and I start throwing myself into establishing a life others would dream of and take as a model for developing their own little piece of heaven in my attempt to lead by example, be a model for role models, stimulate love and peace for all in my wake, and finally give my family the life they should have had from the start.
Last night Patience once again asked me if I would home school her. Once again I had to break her heart and tell her I was not ready to devote myself to her schooling because so many other things were out of control. As I type this I felt like an “adult” telling her that and it sickened me to my core. In my mind, Patience asking to be home schooled translates emotionally to the fact that despite all of my bipolar issues which I am still learning to control and still actively and often times hurt my daughter’s feelings, the most emotionally sensitive of my children wants me to keep her beside me all the time so she could learn how to be like me. I feel humbled and yet want to make sure that when I take her under my wing to learn to fly (existentially/metaphysically/metaphorically) I actually know and feel comfortable in my own state of being. I’m giving myself one more year to get my shit together and develop a stable life for my daughter to learn and understand. No more shitty public schooling (“mind numbing”) focused on producing mechanized idiots that funnel themselves into shitty ass “worker bee” positions that have no real necessity in life (providing no actual benefit) but are just there to make people earn money to so they have something to spend. I will be ready to raise my children to think for themselves apart from a system hell bent on mind controlling any and all not deemed “superior” in their existence.
Manic Bitch Moment: Middle finger to the mother fuckers who took life away from mothers, told the world that fathers were the only ones in charge, and cracked the egg before damn phoenix ever had a chance to be born.
Alright now that I got that out….back to my original train of thought.
One more year to do what I feel like I should have been doing since the day I was born. Teaching others how to wake up and start deciding what is right, for themselves, independent of what others think and feel, but somehow always in alignment with what is in the best interest of all, so we might all come together in our own very specific form of freedom and develop a “nation” (Naturally Accepting Trusted Insight Over Agreements” of people who just want to be themselves and allow others the same right.
Tomorrow I start detailing how I function, process the world, manage the chaos, instill morals I was never taught, change what is to become what I want it to be, try to be a “better” person, and how a girl from Akron Ohio who wholeheartedly believed that if she ever stumbled those around her would catch her before she fell and truly got hurt, fell apart completely when the last person keeping their word broke his promise in a moment of absolute weakness and shattered her reality and every definition she had come to believe in, leaving her an empty frame, fragments, and shards containing the dim reflection of who she used to be, puts the pieces back together and creates a new and untested road to freedom and happiness for herself, the loves of her life, and the whole damn universe for anyone caring to join in the fun.
It’s eight o’clock and the house is all still asleep. I definitely made the right call.
Few things about me that I doubt I’ve shared before:
Here’s the song that wakes me up in a chorus in my mind every day and gives me a resounding sense of peace looming of the horizon.
My motivational song for anyone struggling to “fit in”
What feels like a song that worships my spirituality and speaks my spiritual truths:
The metaphysical story of who I am and what my husband and I represent to the world:
A song that inspires me to keep reaching for the stars and fight for the “good guys” I can’t see but know still exist and a video that portrays how I feel I am being guided through my life by spirits and existential forces to lead me to a place of peace:
My eternal promise to anyone looking to follow peacefully in my footsteps:
What I need most in this world:
Enjoy the last day of summer!