Frame of Mind: Today I would describe myself as manic neutral. To me this means that I am feeling a vague and overwhelming sense of emotion that is unable to be properly described. Being unable to process what I feel leaves me unable to give my desired focus to life’s responsibilities. In this state I am highly sensitive, prone to rash judgments, rapid fire assumptions, and harsh social graces. My daughters have been extremely well behaved and considerate of the day I am having which has helped keep me stable and out of the angry manic mommy realm I fall into far more frequently than I care for. Now that my husband is home from the corporate slaveholders cold grasp, I am gaining some semblance to my thoughts, understanding to my emotions, and definition to my mood. Enough so I feel comfortable sitting down and hashing through my emotions while barreling through the past incarnations of myself. I feel like this is a good place to dig into where I was and what I was thinking and how I have improved or evolved that frame of mind from then until now.
Excerpt: Their bodies are sacrificed daily. For that extreme devotion to life, they are granted the deepest fulfillment life has to offer. Life comes hard and fast yet their rewards are exponentially increased due to the limited nature of their existence. Their boon is having no loss instead receiving endless opportunity to gain.
Thoughts: I find myself in a place where I feel primitive. I am surrounded by modern conveniences that I actively use in my daily life to make my life easier. And yet I feel a sense of deprivation. My life is devoid of a deep sense of connection that my heart and soul yearn for. When I am walking barefoot around my neighborhood I feel a sense of peace because my feet are connecting with the path I am treading. When my life is being propelled forward by technology and agendas I can’t know about, I feel helpless and lost. If I had to choose between shades of primitive and shades of modern technology, I feel my utopia would embrace a primitive stance on valuing additions to life while embracing the natural benefit natural (“green”) technology offers all.
Hope: After reading this piece it remains my eternal hope people will begin questioning the daily assumptions they make about life as it really exists.
Moral: Simple can mean complex while complex can be simply wrong.
Excerpt: Love comes freely in abundance while time is expensive and money doesn’t grow on trees. It would be wise to spend your energy where it matters most, hurts the least, and prospers the fastest. Anything less is accepting less than what life has to offer.
Thoughts: Life hasn’t changed much for me since I wrote this. Money is still extremely tight albeit it in a more comfortable and stable way then before yet still unable to give my children everything I feel they rightly deserve and deservedly need. I question every day if living life in poverty is traumatizing my children. We go to Target (their favorite store) once very two weeks (when Daddy gets paid). They are always excited to go. Now that we have established a weekly allowance system, they have motivation to work hard to be able to take “their” money and buy whatever they want. It’s all so simple in such a complex world. And yet I find myself happier knowing I don’t have to worry about my girls not being able to afford the $50 toy because they receive a $5 weekly allowance for their contributions towards a clean house and a happy family. They don’t complain that they can’t get the overpriced toy, instead they try to understand why it would take ten weeks (an eternity) to earn something I know they’ll only be interested in for a few months (at best). The cost (time) far exceeds the benefit (active interest) they’ll receive for their efforts. It comforts me to know that they are just as perplexed about how grownups operate as I am as an adult.
Hope: I hope people would begin to value how much time is being spent on negative areas of their life and compare it against the absolute and honest outcome they receive for their efforts. Then I would like them to evaluate whether refocusing or redirecting that energy towards more positive and fulfilling endeavors might lead to a happier life.
Moral: The cost of leading a happy life is more than just being able to afford the “finer” things in life. Finer is to be defined before the cost can be calculated.
Excerpt: Not crying over spilled milk is difficult when that milk is worth it’s weight in gold, platinum, and cold hard cash. But sometimes when something seems catastrophic you have to just look at the finer details to see things aren’t as bad as they could be. Gentle offers of help can make even the darkest of tragedies seem minor in the light of love being offered.
Thoughts: I look back at this story and I laugh. Patrick and I now have a running joke when chaotic events happen, we now both go “Of course”. Because no matter what happens, we couldn’t have done anything differently to change the outcome. The past happened in addition to the choices made and the resulting consequences. The most important thing I have found is to find the lesson in all the darkness, remember the good parts of the story, and share the comedy of the situation to lighten someone else’s shadows. I am finding it lessens the amount of baggage I have to carry around with me and even provides a sort of buoy for future predicaments I find myself in.
Hope: I hope when others find themselves lost in a sea of overwhelming darkness, they are able to see the glittering lifesaver that is a loved one reaching out in earnest or to pull themselves to safety with the lifeline that is learning the lessons thrown in our paths.
Moral: All is not lost when you think you have spilled all the beans. Beans have a way turning themselves into nuggets of knowledge and a wealth of wisdom, just sprinkle with the the truth of the situation, bask in the light of insight and watch all become found.
Excerpt: Truth is a vitally important aspect to healthy living and loving relationships. In a world where we mask our true selves to present a politically correct face to outsiders, is it possible that we are unable to realize how dishonest our lifestyles have become?
Thoughts: Truth cannot be destroyed. It can altered, manipulated, omitted, and misrepresented however it is absolutely impossible to deny its existence. For me this is a cosmic rule that explains why history keeps repeating itself. While we bicker over battles, fight about fallacies, and war against worlds, as a society we fail to first decipher what it is that history is trying to tell us. Before any problem can be solved, any procedure can be implemented, or any plan takes place it is vitally important to absolutely determine what the root cause of the problem is. Without doing that, the foundation of solving is built on sand that will be swept away in the next test of stability and structure in the face of chaos.
Moral: Brushing the hard facts of life aside doesn’t make it any easier to cope. Sweeping dirty lies under the rug doesn’t make the glaring problem any less obvious. When you want to clean up your mess, do it right. Dive into the dirty details and wash out the filthy lies. Leave yourself with something worth saving and able to be solved.
❤ ❤ ❤
Frame of Mind: A lot has happened since I last sat down to complete this post, too much to detail one tiny excerpt, but to summarize, I was overwhelmed with a myriad of emotions, ranging from from happy to angry, appreciated to taken advantage of, and euphoric to manic. After being given almost 17 hours of uninterrupted sleep, on Sunday – my day of rest, I am feeling peaceful, hopeful, understanding, and excited for what is to come in my future, no matter how dark it might appear because without any knowledge why I “feel” the warmth of the light that is to shine my way. That knowledge is providing a profound sense of utopia while giving me a cutting awareness of all existing outside my aura of euphoria. It is an interesting paradoxical feeling but not unpleasant in the slightest, in fact it is almost what I would say feels “balanced” in my mind.
Excerpt: The true power of love isn’t measured by the places you’ve seen or the things you have experienced, or the accomplishments you have made. It is measured in the weight of hearts you’ve touched, the wealth of opportunities for growth you’ve created, and the brightness of the souls whose lives you bring to light.
Thoughts: When I originally wrote this, I considered my first love to be the boy in high school that I was desperately in love with and even gave what I considered to be my virginity. His hold over me was strong with some tiny piece of my always believing somehow, some way, we would find our way to be happy together. As I’ve grown over the past year or so, I have realized that my connection with that boy was nothing more than a place holder for when I would be ready to give ALL of my heart and soul to the one person who would love me more than any other in existence. Interestingly/paradoxically (or “bipolarly”) as long as I held on to the belief for my fantasy love to work itself out, I was keeping myself from experiencing true love with the person I was always meant to give myself completely to. It wasn’t until I was ready to put down the possibility that there is someone out there better for me that I would ever be able to find true happiness or feel true peace with the man I wanted to love me forever. The second I accepted my reality as more important than my “fairytale romance” my real life was somehow transformed into a real life love story full of fanciful events and magical experiences. And somehow the man I held to be my “best guy not quite perfect enough for the forever position” morphed into the person where I couldn’t imagine living not having him by my side, as often as humanly possible, with as much opportunity for love and happiness as ever existed. He became my fantasy fulfilled when I stopped picturing a nameless, faceless person and decided for myself that the man who stood faithfully beside me for almost fourteen years now was the man I should have been happily living alongside the entire time.
Hope: I hope that people will look at the hearts around them and consider the possibility that their “real” true love is already in their life and just needs the benefit of being considered for the role of forever loved and universally/unconditionally accepted. Too many times I believe we miss out on our opportunity for happiness because the first time it was presented to us, it didn’t “seem”like a perfect fit, yet somehow that person fit themselves “seamlessly” into a position where life wouldn’t be right without them.
Moral: All that glitters is not gold and all that is gold is not always of value. Find the pieces that sparkle with sincere connection, warm your heart with heartfelt passion, and dazzle your soul with divine inspiration. Anything less and you’ll find yourself holding a foolish piece of gold plated nothing.
Excerpt: It is easy to look in the mirror and like what you see and even easier to hate what isn’t there. Taking a cold hard look at all that is honestly present in your life and all that is traitorously dragging you down could reveal an inner beauty and a warming light that is invisible to the naked eye but blatantly apparent to the wisdom of the mind’s eye.
Thoughts: I realize now that finding happiness and love in another person is completely impossible without first finding unconditional and unshakable love for who you truly are as a person and exactly what it means to be you. Because any love you seek to find in an external source is going to be a genuine reflection of the love you are capable of giving to others. When the love you are give yourself is deficient, the love you gift out will also be lacking and therefore produce unforeseeable attacks on the person you innocently project your issues onto. If you feel you are unworthy of love, you will likely feel that the person you love shouldn’t love you and may subconsciously sabotage the relationship in an attempt to equalize your feelings of worthlessness with your sense of right and wrong in the grand scheme of life. Turning a blind eye to the problems you take with yourself creates an invisible beast to deal with inside of a loving long term relationship. Being able to separate the issues you bring to the table from the baggage your loved one is carrying with them is critical for solving any deficiencies you find in your relationship. Turning a faulty relationship into a healthy, happy, harmonious partnership requires both parties to evaluate and resolve their respective issues before trying to address problems within the relationship.
Hope: There is nothing more important in this world than you. You are your only vessel for traversing this thing we call life. Putting others before yourself puts you at risk for losing all that it means to be yourself. My hope is that people can take a step back from the life they are leading and evaluate how much life truly provides for the benefit of their self and how much their life benefits “them”.
Moral: You must first dissolve the disease before you can cure the cancer that plagues your perspective, negates your needs, and justifies your judgement. Cutting the cancer to shreds just leaves ugly blemishes on an otherwise untarnished surface.
Excerpt: Those without are in desperate need of something. It is time to look inward at what each of us have to offer, in our own right, and use that right to share equally, give freely, and help unconditionally. Take the time to help those who cannot help themselves by giving that which you don’t have time to take care of yourself and keeping anything you don’t care to give away without condition. For those in need, it is time to be honest in our necessities and transparent in our poverty so others might truly see how bleak life is for some.
Thoughts: I consider myself to have taken a vow of poverty. To the world at large that means that I place absolutely no value on the concept of “money” as it currently stands. I place my value on life based on the things that are of worth to me and hold appeal to either my mind, heart, or soul. Anything less can be bought with cold hard cash and can be discarded just as easily, for when no work or effort or thought is put towards “the thing” acquired, no true value of worth is assigned to it. For me, that is a deal breaker. I am tired of having to care for and love things that people didn’t even care enough to think about meaningfully when they were presented to me. In my mind a present is only considered a gift when actual consideration has been taken for how this “thing” will affect my life. Anything less and I feel as though I am being handed another piece of crap to try to fit into the rest of the pieces of crap I have acquired in my lifetime but am far too sentimental to ever part with. This results in a vague shadow of resentment lingering over the “gift” because I must first do actual work to make it worth being a part of my life. And at that point I ask myself, “Why did they even bother giving me something I didn’t ask for, didn’t need, didn’t want, and don’t want to have to take care of?” And for that I never have an answer. And so rather than carry around metaphorical garbage, I immediately dispose of anything that has no use, assign a position for anything of benefit, and leave lay anything that has potential for helping me in the future (should I remember I have it). This way, no matter what is around me, it is never harmful, easily accessible, always helpful, and acceptably accommodating. It leaves me with a better sense of what I need, what I have, and what I am free to share with those in need (quickly, easily, painlessly).
Hope: Being down and out is a hard position to be in. Being so far down that you are willing to accept whatever meager scraps people through your way is even harder. It is my hope that no one else needs to fall further than “down and out” because I also hope society will come together and build a community safety net to catch everyone who is unable to catch themselves, pick themselves back up, or dust themselves off afterwards.
Moral: Some people have more to give and so they should give a whole lot more. Some people have nothing to give but a whole lot to offer and so these should share what they have. Some people have nothing to give and nothing to offer and so they should be able to share freely with those having more until everyone has their share and is given their fill of that which everyone needs equally.
Excerpt: Sometimes it is wiser to divide ourselves into the pieces that feel right in the parts that make the most sense with minimal effort and maximum output as an absolute right and true success as an assured reward.
Thoughts: It is a widely accepted belief that we are all different. Yet by some weird phenomenon beyond my comprehension we find ourselves in a society where everyone is trying desperate to be “normal” as defined by some enigmatic figure no one can really point their finger at. To this I wonder why? Why would I ever allow an anonymous source determine what makes me happy? Why would I ever believe anyone but myself would know the cure to the sadness that plagues my existence? Why would I ever trust that someone would put my absolute needs before their own? Why would I ever choose to hand over my fate to someone who I can’t see making my decisions for me? Since I can’t see who “they” are, “know” that they are choosing correctly, “feel” they have my best interests at heart, or “believe” they are leading me to a better life, then why would I ever put my “faith” into something that has never proven itself to be true and honest? So many questions to which I cannot find concrete answers to. And so I have come to accept that I am the only one that knows what is truly best for my wellbeing. That being said, I am still amenable to the idea that others out there may have practices and procedures that could benefit me more than my current way of life. So I’m literally open to all walks of life so long as they run parallel to my own and cause no disruption to those around it. If I can find myself wanting to be entirely unique while opening myself up to everyone else, is it possible that is something we as humanity should be capable of?
Hope: I hope that people can begin to look inward and detail that which makes them uniquely special and specially qualified and specifically unique while allowing them to go with the flow of everyone else. I believe our unique differences are a unique blend of everything it takes to create the perfect blend of wrong and right to come together for the perfect taste of perfection.
Moral: A puzzle is put together one piece at a time. A body of work is no different. It is necessary to determine the frame to be filled in or the picture to be created before attempting to group similar pieces together which must take place before attempting to fill in the holes which happens in its entirety before completing the puzzle.
Excerpt: It is in some of the smallest gestures and most humbling moments that you are able to find the true brightness of humanity’s innate kindness and natural concern for the wellbeing and wellness of others.
Thoughts: I am still learning about the true nature of generosity. In a time when I am having to deal with people taking my generous nature and using it for their own personal gain and professional profit, my heart and soul still believes completely in the genuine nature and extreme kindness humanity has to offer. I view humanity as a blossoming flower that has never truly been given the opportunity to shine. The people judging them never gave them the tools necessary to get the job done nor provided the education necessary to understand the task before them. In essence, “they” set humanity up for failure by setting the rules of success at odds with the chance of success and then allocating all the blame to those the favor of the odds were against. In my manic, world-saving state I believe and feel strongly blessed with the gifts of peace and the wonders of wisdom and the skill level of gods. And it is in those moments I want to most reassure those out there fighting for what they know, feel, and believe is morally right that they are indeed fighting for their right to live free and will be eternally rewarded for their efforts.
Hope: It took my family losing everything, my will being so broken that I would cry in public, and my situation so dire that I needed to rely on the generosity on others to provide happiness for my children for me to give someone the opportunity to show that humanity still has a fighting chance. It is my sincere hope that people as a whole begin to open their eyes and look for examples of humanity’s saving grace without necessitating such tragic circumstances to experience them.
Moral: True kindness is measured not in the “how much” but rather in the why the gift was given, what the honest cost of giving was, and how freely the gift was gifted.
Wrapping up Part 1:
When I first started my planning for updating my blog, I decided that I would review fourteen posts each time with the idea to post a “piece” every other day or so. Life is proving to still be too chaotic to hold myself to fourteen posts every few days and so I am modifying how I will continue the update process. I want to get a new “review” piece out once every couple days and would prefer to have at least completely updated at least eight posts, while preparing the next fourteen for easy and expedited review the next opportunity I have to sit behind the computer and the necessary mental balance to allow for efficient work and the motivation to produce something worthwhile. I will accept whatever I have completed on the morning of the third day and will use that third day to prepare the next batch of posts for review.
The eight posts I will definitely review on E.A.R (2 of 13 pieces) are listed below. If you feel like peeking ahead and offering your thoughts, hopes, or morals taken away from them I always love to hear what people are thinking and I always appreciate extra information to help my ideas flow.
The following six posts represent what I hope to complete every “piece I review along with the eight before. No editing has been completed on these posts.
In a perfect world I would also like to make progress on at least one of these posts in addition to the fourteen previously listed in hopes of catching up on the five I was unable to complete for the first batch reviewed.
If someone somehow makes it all the way to the bottom of this post, let me know what you think. I’d be surprised and excited to know people out there care enough to read everything that I was able to get out.