Today I have had some spare time and was able to check out the blogs of a few people liking my recent posts. I have to say, I am humbled by the sheer genius of the pages I visited. Real people, really baring their souls, intelligently, eloquently, and although sometime unsure of themselves, insanely insightful into the “mind of the masses” while remaining an intelligent outsider looking in. Blows my crazy little mind in a blissfully euphoric way.
Over at Brighton Bipolar, I happened upon this wonderful gem of a post:
My Greatest Fear
She so candidly and honestly explained the one truth I never wanted to admit: I was scared to be by myself or “alone”. It struck a chord and rang so true to the largest obstacle I have faced throughout my life. And ultimately the fear I was forced to face.
Embracing that fear was the key to my freedom.
Since the age of seventeen my life has been a downward progression, losing everything that I held onto as a person or institution that would help me when I was down and out and unable to fend for myself.
My mother reported me as a runaway despite knowing the name, address, and location I was at. This led to me not graduating high school on time. While I knew at that point the only thing I could count on my dear old mother for was lies and manipulation, this was the last betrayal that sent me fleeing into the arms of the world at large from the shitty shelter my mother pretended to provide.
When my father, always distant but sometimes around if you really needed him, finally got custody of me and called off the ridiculous runaway status, he pleaded my case to the school board to allow me to make up the senior English credit I needed to graduate (ranked top ten in my class, varsity volleyball and track star, and Band President among other activities) so I could walk across that stage with my classmates. The school board President, who knew of me personally, turned a cold shoulder stating “I was smart enough to know better”. I still got my official high school diploma but had to start college a semester late while I completed a High School English course from a university in Kentucky via postal correspondence (read: very bulky expensive envelopes getting mailed multiple times a week on top of the outrageous sticker price that comes with taking the course at all). It saddened me how little my high school community cared for my personal wellbeing. A cold hard slap in the face in my opinion.
College was a bust. Five years and I “technically” don’t have a degree because I did not pay $20 for a “bypass credit”. I found this out weeks after I walked the stage and was handed that fake diploma everyone gets on stage. $80,000 in student loan debt and they aren’t willing to give me an official degree because I tested high enough on the ACT test (shoved down potential college students throats) not to have to take a ridiculous repeat of my high school education masked as “general education” that comes with a lofty price tag yet is required to graduate. Twenty dollars. To the University of Akron and the whole college ripoff system in general I said “Fuck you – keep your bullshit piece of paper and your supposed commitment to bettering my life with “your” knowledge”. And you can be damn sure I will never pay a dime of that $80,00. Consider it their cost of doing bad business – bullshit lies about bullshit required education enabling bullshit careers upon graduation deserve to go bankrupt. May my $80,000 be the beginning of their end.
After college came the Big Accounting job that was full of pompous, egotistical, backstabbing liars and sycophants. When family life became important to me, work failed to be flexible with my changing life values. And so I exited the corporate world where my only option of standing out was finding a new underhanded way to rip hardworking people out of their hard earned money while allowing a computer to follow all the accounting rules and regulations meanwhile pretending to the public to be some professional worthy of being paid ridiculous hourly rates for what any literate monkey could do.
No flipping way, I may be a bitch but I bitch out honestly. Big middle finger to people who can live with themselves knowing that’s all they contribute to society – an expensive computer system that keeps track of numbers with a “degreed professional” to put his stamp of approval on a computer generated and tracked piece of paper.
Lawyers, doctors, accountants, politicians – I’m talking to you. You are worthless without a computer and deserve to be compensated as such. Perhaps a knee in the nimbly bits for your lies, but that’s really just the manic bitch side of me wanting justice for this “man’s world” that sucks balls.
And so family and friends became my focus. With devastating results. Right up until when the Father of my children, my supposed soulmate, and the only person who has seen my darkest parts, absorbed the blows of my chaos, and weathered the tidal waves of emotions honestly admitted he couldn’t help me any more than he already was.
I was alone. I was broken. I cried.
And then I was free.
Free of the illusion that someone cares enough to make me whole. Free of the lie that there has to be another person to fix me at my weakest. Free of the falsehood I couldn’t do it myself.
Because I have been believing myself to be getting progressively weaker, with less and less help coming my way, and I still find myself standing and managing to gain strength in new areas I didn’t recognize, appreciate, or trust. I was alone. Utterly by myself with not a single person to understand what I faced moment to moment. And I’m okay. Better than okay, I am elated.
Because I had begun to understand myself. I had begun to appreciate my thoughts on any matter more than I cared to know what someone else was thinking about it. I craved alone time to sort my thoughts, process my feelings, and organize my emotions. I wanted to know more about myself than I wanted to learn what other people thought of me. It was a crazy flip from how I operated previously.
It was when I finally accepted and admitted to myself I had no one to stand beside me that I realized I had been standing on my own since my bipolar breakdown on May 9, 2014. Since that day I have been fighting tooth and nail with anyone and everything to demand respect and attention – something I never dared or cared for before. I recognized that intense loneliness I felt was the gaping chasm existing between the way I need to be treated and the way people actually make me feel with their less than genuine displays of “relationships”. When I accepted I could only count on myself to know my needs, respect their importance, and value their worth my chasm disappeared and a peaceful bridge between myself and everyone else appeared.
I no longer counted on anyone for anything. I was immune to the intense insults of their faulty friendships. And I was free of the belief I couldn’t make myself happy.
Because with nothing left in the world, I had me. Who I am is perfect for who I want to be, leaving me free to be myself and by myself, happily ever after.
Bonus: Realizing I was the only soulmate I was ever going to need took the pressure and strain off my relationship with the Father of my children. And has blossomed into a honeymoon period despite the empty debit card, the bare pantry, dry gas tank, no running water, and dysfunctional furnitureless rooms.
Things are so good because “I” say they are good and work to make the best out of every bad situation thrown my way. I’m quite a natural at turning bullshit into a thing of beauty. Kind of why I believe I am meant to help save this piece of shit country we call America.
I can live in the worst conditions and still raise my children full of light, love, and laughter while instilling wholesome values of generosity, charity, consideration, appreciation and creating in them a driving force to help others always while stamping out the desire to point fingers, place blame, or otherwise pass off responsibility to someone else.
Seems like these kinds of lessons would be beneficial to pass on to society as a whole … but that’s just me.