I have mentioned how big of a breakthrough I feel I have had and am desperate to detail how I awakened my passion for MY life as defined on MY terms and conditions. So many ideas and thoughts are swirling that I want to share with the world at large, it feels overwhelming and yet peacefully euphoric (akin to staring up a the night’s sky and being awed by the vastness of space). To help organize and process the chaos of my mind, I thought a summary page of what I’m thinking/working through would be helpful.
Hopefully you find something that piques your interest.
Upcoming Posts I am working on:
1. Art Auction to fund the Virtue Crew and Their Dreams Come True
Who is the Virtue Crew? My daughter’s Patience (7), Prudence (6), and Providence (~2) plus Baby 4 I’m still carrying in development.
This idea was created by my oldest, Patience. She overheard me talking with her Father about how I would like to take the girls to a local Medieval Faire this summer. Unfortunately her super hearing perked up when I talked about the superheroes, mermaid and fairies, pirates, and time travel themed weekends and her innocent view of the world had her asking to go every weekend of the faire. With a broken heart I had to inform her that while Mommy really wanted to take her to these events, money was going to be an issue. And without a moment’s thought she told me we could sell her art projects from school to earn money. She wanted to set up a stand on the side of the road to sell her beautifully innocent pieces of art for $1, $2, or $3… because $5 or $10 is asking “way too much”. God I love her. She understands value at the age of 7 where grown adults nearing death still have not obtained such wisdom. Knowing that she would have to earn $300, she still could not imagine raising her prices to get her to the goal faster. Her work is worth $1-$3 regardless of how much money she had to save up. Children truly are God’s gift to the world.
My manic mind swirled around the idea of taking her Art Auction to the internet. My hopes and dreams are to somehow start a “charity” auction where people donate money to my cause. My cause: teaching my angelic children that when we receive generosity of others we have an obligation to be generous in return while simultaneously giving the world a worthy cause to fund.
I want to take them on vacations, explore local historic places, travel to adventurous landmarks and sites full of life and stories people have forgotten. I want to take them to meet real people, living real lives, so they can see for themselves just how difficult life is for everyone and how with a little bit of money, time, love, and effort one family can make a world of difference. While learning about locations and culture, I want to use the time to help people and achieve actual results in local communities showing my daughter’s first hand how those with more should be helping those with less until we all stand united in happiness. More than anything I want to teach them that life is about experiences not “stuff you buy” and a vitally important part of life experiences should be dedicated to bettering those around you…for the betterment of your “self”.
The “kick “The Man’s World” in the balls” goal behind this auction is to be completely transparent in all of my dealings while showing the assholes controlling this reality that people REALLY want to change the world, they just REALLY need someone honest, capable, and passionate about taking the burden of saving the world on their shoulders to rally behind. I feel like I am that person if I would be given the opportunity. Every receipt, every expenditure, every detail of our adventures will be available for the public viewing. My insane thought is that if people are willing enough to send money my way for my purposes and initiatives, the very least I can do is show them PENNY FOR PENNY where the money is going. Not in the form of ridiculously long financial statements that no one can tell what underhanded dealings have been going on, but with cold hard tangible proof of what the heck I am doing, where the hell I spend my time, and what the fuck I think I am doing with other people’s hard earned and even harder donated funds. Receipts, photos, art, and unending blog posts detailing everything I am able to get down for other exposure and explanation.
My dream is that by sharing everything with anyone perhaps people can tap into my euphoria, my state of peace, my field of vision and know that the cold hard “lives” humans have known throughout their existence is not the at all in line with how we were meant to live. I will show them, hopefully make them feel the world they can’t see and don’t believe is possible, so that one day, they too might be able to step out of the box of reality this “asshole controlled” society has trapped us all in.
2. Final Breakdown/Last Girl Standing
Since receiving my bipolar diploma a little over a year ago (the diagnosis in which no one ever treats me the same again yet expects me to morph to “their version” of me at a moments notice) I have been through too many breakdowns to count. I consider a breakdown to be where I completely break from the person I am working towards, act entirely outside of the realm of acceptable behavior, and have to separate myself from all that grounds me and all that is important to me.
There have been some pretty significant ones that lead to some important understandings about why my bipolar acts out the way it does. And those understandings helped me better shape mindsets and mental blocks. However this one in particular deserves special attention because in this episode, my worst nightmare was confirmed and yet I not only survived, I THRIVED from the final acceptance of what I have always known was true but was never willing to admit to myself.
Releasing myself from that last lie I was living was the final freedom to embrace all that I am, all that I want to be, and everything I will never be to others without fear of judgement or condemnation. When I lifted that final veil of discovery, I finally saw me standing like a phoenix in the flames of rebirth, and I wasn’t even slightly scared or intimidated by the raw power and passion my essence was radiating.
3. Kristan 23.7.29
I haven’t been around people much at all for basically the entire thirteen years of my relationship with The Father of my children. I made him my world and any friends that didn’t fit in with the life he and I were leading were not really friends. Stupid girl making an innocent liar her knight in shining armor and costing herself a lifetime of friendships and happiness he would never give her.
Of the people who made sporadic and extremely unimportant appearances in my life (defined as such due to their appalling absence from each present moment I wrap myself in and therefore hold above the memories of the past I can’t remember clearly) all of them come with a whole lot of negative baggage that revolves around who they think I am, why that offends them, how I have wronged them in their total nonexistence in my day to day life, why I am the bad guy in the relationship, and what they believe is wrong with me and their opinions on how to fix the problems they have with me. I am so tired of those people. No matter how many times I apologize, despite the lengths I go to make up for my eccentricities, and regardless of how sincere I am – THEY NEVER GET OVER THEIR PROBLEMS. And so I salute them with a middle finger and say so long mother fuckers. Because the person they have a beef with is not the person I am, quite possibly never was and therefore leaves me in the very awkward position of answering for a version of myself I no longer associate with or even understand.
And so this piece is meant to be about who I really am. What I believe. What interests me. What moves me. And what in the world you can expect when you invite me into your life. An open, honest, and soulful recollection of everything that makes me who I am. And how even if you don’t care to believe everything I say, you can be damn sure I don’t care to give a damn either way.
3. Bipolar in Review – Year One
I have only been diagnosed bipolar for a year now. And yet in that one year there have been so many fights, numerous flights of abandoning everything I love, epic epiphanies – both internally and existentially, devastating losses and abandonment, appalling neglect and torturous living situations, insane loneliness, crippling solitude, and the epic reconnection with my soul and spirit and all that makes me a special gift to the universe. Twelve months to go through in which each and every month had enough chaos and trials to write a short novel. I believe as I review my year, I will probably be releasing this as a series. My thought here is to detail the morphing of who I was at mental breakdown version one through the transformation to the person I love today.
4. Manic (Passive) Aggressive Opposition
I am a pacifist. I do not believe violence exists outside the realm of a few warped minds twisting reality to their own devious desires while brainwashing an entire species into believing not only that condoning violence is acceptable but that they themselves are capable of such disgusting crimes against life and should pay the price for their “beastly nature”. Middle finger to those assholes making good people believe awful things so they can feel better about their corrupt selves. People are good. Assholes are bad. Assholes trick the good ones into doing bad things so the assholes don’t have to pay the karmic price. Until now….hehehe (there’s a whole insane manic story line forming here about just what the assholes have in store for their future)
While I don’t believe in violently hurting people, I will admit that the insane part of me adheres wholeheartedly to the adage “Treat others as they want to be treated” with the corresponding and equally important factor of giving an “eye for an I”. What that means is when a person verbally assaults me to the point where my mental faculties break down and I lose control of my super-titan will power, the mental anguish caused to my “eye” (my mind’s eye and where I take insult and injury naturally) and will be fairly returned to the offender in whatever form my manic bitch side (my “I”) deems acceptable in those few moments she takes control of my body and actions.
Real life example: Call me a retard twenty times while I repeatedly tell you how offensive that is and how much it hurts me – you getting louder and more aggressive with each verbal insult slung, when I finally breakdown and the “I” takes over, don’t be surprised if you get a punch in the balls (reparation for kicking me below the belt) and a punch in the jaw to teach you to “shut the fuck up if you don’t have something nice to say”. My manic bitch side is very old school when it comes to doling out punishments. Which really hurts that whole pacifist side I prefer to maintain. Welcome to bipolar duality…it’s kind of a bitch.
The person I am day to day revels in teaching people with words and wit wrapped in real answers. I make every syllable I utter leave my lips saturated with meaning, connotation, and deep underlying truths. If the person is intelligent enough to catch my drift, they’ll know that I am trying to help them understand me better without insulting or judging them. Usually the people I associate with are not that intelligent and just accuse me of insulting them passive aggressively. Those people I have learned to turn and walk away from – their fragile egos are far too sensitive to be around my too sharp truths and advanced communication/language skills.
I am developing a system of reserving and channeling my energies towards sympathetic minds while redirecting negative energies sent my direction towards large scale institutions, corporations, religious frauds exalting their divine knowledge, and other assholes in positions of power to reveal their duplicitous and devious intentions. Basically in my mind’s eye I am channeling all of my energy into being a living dispenser of karmic justice at the hands of maintaining absolute peace without ending a single life in the process. And it feels amazing!
I have a whole gas station example where I show just how quietly and passively I hope people are when they aggressively reject asshole behaviors and inconsiderate tendencies of people and society at large.
5. Definitions and Descriptions Page
Too much of what I am experiencing, feeling, absorbing, downloading, and understanding is insanely difficult to translate to a general knowledge base because no one thinks precisely as I do, nor can they feel what I am going through. Not to mention, the way language is used today everyone can have their own idea and definition of a word that will completely change the message of any piece based on perspective, perception, or preference. Since I am trying to explain exactly what I am going through, I don’t want to leave so much explanation open ended for my readers to interpret for themselves.
I feel like I need a running list of vocabulary I use that others would find offensive defined as I believe and will exclusively use them in my work. I also need to develop an entirely new realm of descriptions and words to explain the theories, feelings, and intangible things that are going through my mind but have absolutely no tangible connection (that I can prove to an outsider) to reality at large.
6. The Father, The Slob, & The Friend – The Three Leading “Men” in My Life
My manic side is kind of a man hating bitch. She is forced to live in a man’s world, by man’s rule, by man’s poor standards of care without any concern for what she needs from life or how valuable she could be to society. That manic side has a lot of nasty things to say about “those type of men”.
The Father, The Slob, & The Friend represent the best and the worst of what men have to offer all wrapped up into three succinct personalities revolving around my life. Sometimes they make me laugh. Most of the time they piss my mania off. And they always fail to live up to expectations of common decency, mutual respect, kind consideration, and unconditional love.
This is going to be a running series of all the lessons I learn from living with men who don’t care to be any better than what they “believe” themselves to be while vehemently ignoring the truth in reality of who they REALLY are as the world sees them.
7. My Virtue Crew and Their Positive Influence on my Recovery
My daughters are the light, hope, and love of my world. They are the reason I am getting healthy and my infinite pool of motivation. They are wise, loving, and insanely forgiving of my inability to cope with the life society expects of me and they are incredibly patient as I develop the life I should have been living all along. I could talk for ages about them and all the lessons they teach me. And so I figure this will be another running series, about how beneficial children are to healing mental “illness”.
8. The Corporation – Enslavement one good man at a time.
I HATE CORPORATIONS. They are in control of the world, the governments, right down to the ignorant brains of the masses. They even went so far as to trick my husband into believing he had to work 50+hours a week behind a desk while neglecting his family and the shithole they were falling into in his lengthy “justifiable” absences from day to day life and the family.
The manic bitch side of me doesn’t like when people step into my territory with their faulty reasoning, overreaching expectations, and undervalued compensation for the time they occupy and the energy they waste. I can’t wait to lay it all out how I was able to open The Father’s eye to the reality that being chained to a desk is antiquated and barbaric, especially considering how little that time away benefits the family he is supposedly providing for.
Guess what – manic bitch won. The Father now has the same job, making the same money except now he has the freedom to work from home so he is available to take care of the family his overworked and unappreciated mother of his children is failing to do with the added bonus of the corporation recognizing just how valuable one honestly hardworking man is to a company. Love when the manic side wins – she so hardly gets to say I told you so.
9. The Society of Lies and Fears: Controlling the masses with ignorance and counter-intuitive “intelligence”
The title says it all. I have a huge beef with society. From the ground up. And I have a lot of theories, ideas, and rants I need to get out about how humanity can make positive progress towards recognizing the problems plaguing our very thoughts and reasonings thus corrupting our ability to solve issues without the help of “big money” (charities, corporations, religions, governments, etc.)
10. The World
I love the world as though she were my mother. The pain I feel from her is real. The energy she feeds me fuels my ambitions. The voices she speaks with whispers to the spirit residing in me. And my soul comes alive when I connect deeply with her.
This post is still developing in my mind yet I feel there will be a more reverent type of feeling to my words posted under this theme. Because more than anything I want to show people how to appreciate the small magics of the here and now and how awe inspiring they are when connected to the grand plan of the universe.