Just had an epiphany that solves a huge issue for me. Lingering hate.
I don’t like to use the term hate. However I’d be a liar if I said it doesn’t happen, I don’t think about it, or that I don’t feel it. Because I do. The good news is I think I just figured out how I can get around the hate.
I read a Facebook post earlier that explained having someone say, think, or feel negative thoughts about you actually sends negative energy at your life force that can tangibly manifest in your life. That idea really intrigued me and got the gears spinning.
My first thought after finishing the article was, if that’s true – what the hell have I been unleashing on people’s lives?
I felt scared because I know the depth of despair I feel, the fiery power of my passion, the acidic venom taste of my hate, and the chaotic tornado of destruction that occurs when funneled into a rage. When my love turns to hate, I become the worst kind of person – Cold, detached, and completely devoid of any loving emotional filter. Capable of cutting to the core (the soul) without batting an eye, because in my darkness all I know how to do is punish.
My next thought went to my lingering negative thoughts and relationships. Of course, my dad’s girlfriend came to mind. She is the only person I would say I hate. After thirteen years of having to battle her lies, manipulations, attacks, and punishments I cannot tolerate her presence. Just thinking of her makes me want to smack her in the face and say “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Which isn’t very polite…
I start to get heated when I think about her. And I don’t like that because I feel like that is control she is exerting over my life against my wishes. Her negativity is so strong and I am allowing myself to be sucked into the drama and bleakness of it all, and darken my beautiful soul with hatred. That’s not right. So I wanted to quit.
But I struggled to grasp how I could forgive someone who didn’t want to be forgiven, but rather continue committing hateful acts against me to further her agenda – keeping me out of my fathers life. After all she is insanely jealous of me because I’m my Daddy’s favorite. What can you do?
Nothing. There is nothing I can do or say to make her stop hating me for something beyond my control. I also can’t stop her from acting so negatively towards me. I can only control how I think of her.
So I started to think through all my negativity in regards to that woman and as I mentally pushed it around in my mind, I started picking up on a pattern – all the hate I held revolved around the acts committed against me not around who she was as a person. I don’t hate Lisa. I hate what Lisa did to me and what she continues to do to my relationship with my father. But not her.
Because I realize I don’t know her. Not at all. I don’t think she’s ever let her guard down enough to let me see who she really is, so instead all I have seen and felt are dark actions and deeds that left a nasty taste in my mouth. But just because it’s what I see and feel, my perceptions, does not make it reality. She has friends and she has the love of my father and children, so something good must be there. I just don’t get to see it. And that’s okay. Because if others can see it, it means it is there. And that’s good enough for me.
With that acceptance, I’m left with all of the “crimes” I feel she committed against me. At this point, I don’t really care because I can’t recall many of specifics of the drama of the past thirteen years except for that which occurred this summer. Sure, I could dig deep in my memories for those dark deeds but I’m not going to because then I would be choosing to dredge up the past to feel badly again. And who wants that?
Also I strongly feel she is an undiagnosed bipolar. Her actions and behaviors absolutely stink of it. I forgive her for everything she did because I don’t believe she is right in the head. Something from her past is affecting her ability to love her significant other’s children as her own. I don’t know what nor do I care to learn. She has problems just like I do. I refuse to be a hypocrite that expects people to understand my bad behavior when my bipolar takes over and yet refuses to accept the same of others.
Weird. I feel lighter right now. My heart almost hurts for how bad she must feel. If I had been carrying so much darkness that is a result of her actions, imagine how much darkness she is holding onto to want to commit those crimes.
I’m glad I forgave her. I instantly feel a million times better. It’s crazy how absolutely euphorically experiential true forgiveness is. I’m light headed. A little giddy. I’m actually smiling while thinking of her. Because right now I want to send all of my positivity her way so she might find the way out of her own darkness.
I never thought I’d live to see the day where I felt anything other than animosity towards that woman. And now I feel sympathetic towards her struggles and more understanding of her misdeeds. I may not agree with how she chooses to handle herself in regards to me and my family, but I can feel she’s probably just trying to save her fragile self in the only way she knows how.
Which is remarkably similar to my own defense mechanism – keep everyone at a distance, destroy any relationship that has the potential to hurt (positively or negatively), and push away those I love and trust most so they don’t walk away first.
I can’t hate her anymore. I feel too much like her now. If I hate her then I’d be hating myself. And I feel I have far too beautiful of a soul to tarnish it with anymore hate.
Instead I’ll just let in some more light and love.