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I believe there are seven spirits residing within me, guiding me, shaping my future based on who I am in any given moment. I also believe these same seven spirits reside within all of us, giving each of us our own individual flare, seeking to lead us to a happy life as best determined by our selves. The trouble is that it takes hard work to hear voices that have no tangible voice.

It was a process to get in touch with mine. One I fully intend on detailing. However for you to understand the process I took you must first understand the concepts I subscribe to. Which seems like a stretch because I think really far outside the box. That being said, I’m ready to make a go at explaining how I came to define “ME”.

To start, I bring the talk back to the seven spirits I mentioned above. These seven “spirits/guides” exist as seven different areas within my “core self” that define the parameters of what it means to be “me” according to your individual preferences. Each of these spirits exist within each person, but each spirit is individual to the individual it resides within.

The spirits I am referring to are SELF, HALF, WHOLE, LOVE, FAITH, HOPE and “ONE”. To ease the burden of writing, I am going to speak entirely in the singular going forward because I KNOW this applies to me. I can’t be sure it will work for your psyche or your belief system.

For those of you that prefer concise posts, I’ve bolded the beginning of discussion about each of the different spirits, followed by a keyword (summary of the concept), and the statement I use to define parameters within that area. Read that and the first paragraph after and you’ll have a good idea of my spirit guides. Skip all sections beginning with “What I hear:”

For those of you who like a longer read and/or care to know about what makes me tick, read the “What I hear” sections. It will make the post lengthier but will paint a much clearer picture of who I am. I start after the photo.


Statements: I am …

The spirit of SELF refers to all that it takes to be me. These are all the things that I hold as the truths of my existence. Without “these” details I cease being recognizable as Kristan and become just another schmo. As I lay out these parameters I use sentences that describe who “I am”.

What I hear:
My spirit of SELF tells me I am honest and brutal with the truth. I am passionate about curing injustice and creating peace. I am determined to establish utopia and crazy enough to believe I can get it done. I am also aware my dreams and ideals exist far outside present day reality and are a stretch for most to believe possible. I am willing to be called delusional while maintaining a fiery resolve for the evolution of society. I am willing to be called the villain to stand firm in my beliefs. I am willing to maintain a vow of nonviolence to ensure progress without pain, a vow of obedience to my Lord above for success in all things he approves of, a vow of peace for all humanity, a vow of poverty for honest humbleness, and a vow of purity for projection of the innocence and chastity of my quest.

Those are just some of my “I am” definitions. I have a ton more and I add and modify them with each lesson I learn. The biggest part of hearing my SELF’s voice is understanding what drives me to get through each day. I know I am on an insane mission to create peace on earth. Knowing that helps me shape what I am. Which is the first step to deciding how I could be happy.

Statements: I love …

The spirit of HALF voices those things it takes to make me happy. It gives definition to the parts of “me” that exist outside of who I am and are beyond my control to create but are still essential to my core happiness. I define these things as peoples, places, things, and concepts that must be present and felt in order to ensure my happiness.

What I hear:
My spirit of HALF screams herself hoarse that I need Patrick Kenimond in my life. No matter how angry I get at him, how far I allow my delusions to distance me, or how often I try to escape the ties that bind me to him, that selfish HALF voice is reminding how much he does for me. How comfortable I feel in his arms. How much I look forward to his gentle grace and loving presence. Even when I am full on manic and ignoring her with every fiber of my manic episode, she still makes her presence known by directing my emotions and insane and often hostile projections directly at him, the only person I have who loves me at my ugliest because he loves how beautiful I am when I am not having a bipolar moment. He loves me through the ugliness cycling through me so we can share in happiness when I get back to me again. Those are the kind of things HALF tries to make sure I listen to. When defining my HALF side, I use the “I love” statements. I only make statements here that I hold to be true to my last dying breath.

I love Patrick Kenimond as the half of my existence residing in another body. He is all that completes me. He is my equal and polar opposite. Where I see weakness he finds strength. Where I get lost, he provides shelter. His flaws are my features as my fire draws his moth to the flame and his cool
Indifference chills my fiery overdrive. Without him in my life I know I would not get through a single day without mourning the loss of the yin to my yang. I have other love statements to make but this is the foundation that enables the rest to be built. Because without Patrick, the other half of me, I fail to be able to be happy. Without happiness, I fail to feel alive. And at that point I don’t know how to function.

Statements: I live to …

WHOLE is all about feeling complete. Her purpose and guidance is to lead you through the motions it takes to achieve a sense of completion. She tells me about the roles and actions I need to take to feel successful in life. For some this means family, others a fulfilling project or job, and for others still it might mean something completely off the wall. WHOLE senses the possibility of completion and is a nebulous voice that calls out when she hears positive opportunities knocking at her door. She is a tricky one to listen to because you can never anticipate when something worthwhile will present itself to her.

What I hear:
WHOLE is constantly whispering in my ear as of late. She is trying to beat into my thick skull all the “I live to” statements I have been ignoring for thirty years. I’m picking her up loud and clear for I am instinctually coming to grips with the fact I live to love. Because I live to love, I live to create perfect harmony for life. My life, your life, all life. I live to save lives in the only way I know how, by loving utopia into existence. It is an overwhelming force I cannot quell, so when I say I live to heal the world I know there is not a pill out there to shut down that crazy idea. Because it is not an idea, it is part of what defines me and how I believe life should be. I live to feel alive and loved.

Statements: I need …

LOVE, love, Love. This timid little spirit of mine is all about that which gives my life meaning. She sings the lullaby of the broken hearted and the melody of the amorous. She knows what it takes to make me FEEL the warmth and comfort of love and seeks to guide me on the standards of care I expect others to exhibit in my presence. She tells me the things I need to feel secure around someone that isn’t me. All her statements are necessary and therefore constitute demands for sanity. When she says “I need” something, I listen because she is fluid in my love language. After all, love is what makes my world go around.

What I hear:
My spirit of LOVE is quite needy. She expects the highest forms of respect and consideration, a tall order for a world completely devoid of the knowledge of true love and absolute respect. That being said I know I need people to understand I can’t always express myself in a non-prickly fashion. I need them to accept I will clarify any statement that ruffles their feathers before any feelings are truly hurt. I need people to give me the chance to explain myself before they attack me for their misunderstanding. I need people to love me like I were a helpless child lost in a crowded amusement park because I spend my days feeling lost and alone without any way to properly articulate my struggles. I need acceptance that I am not perfect and that it is unreasonable to expect it of me…or anyone else for that matter. I need these things to enable me to express how I believe life operates on an existential level. I need to express myself on that level to feel fulfilled in this life I don’t want to live but love to learn from.

Statements: I know …

The spirit of FAITH is concerned with the thoughts and processes that shape my belief system. Faith is concerned with the structure I have in place for self improvement and eternal guidance on a universal level. Her voice rings true when I stumble across something “I know”. These are my truths that are universally undebatable, 100% percent true to only me but things I hold to be sympathetic to most ways of life and lines of thinking.

What I hear:
FAITH is the one voice I would vote as the best candidate to talk to a head doctor. She tells me I am chosen by God, that I was sent with a bigger purpose. She reminds me God is constantly watching over me even when I am begging for his loving presence, ignoring the comfort he offers. She offers her support when I lack motivation to project myself to others and maintain the presence of mind I need to complete my journey. She makes me remember things I wish I could forget. She tells me things I should know and impresses me with concepts to contemplate and problems to solve.

I know I was sent by God to help rebuild the earth. I know I was equipped with the skill and understanding essential to create a society that is united in peace, connected in harmony, and divine in prosperity. I know I will be shot down, accused of blasphemy, labelled as psychotic and insane, tortured to share information, neglected by those I need most, and shunned by a society scared of change. I know these things, and still I know that I am meant to do this great task with the help of the world, the backing of God, and the insane obsessive compulsiveness of a psychopath hell bent on recreating heaven on Earth. Because I KNOW everyone is deserving of undying peace and I know that it is possible. And I know it is worth giving my life to this cause.

Statements: I want …

The Spirit of HOPE is wholly concerned with what is right for me. She provides me with positive idea that could potentially lead to gain. Potentially lead to gain. That is her trick. HOPE is unrelenting in her quest to get you what you desire. She will let you know every last detail that could lead to your happiness. Her voice does not filter out necessity, she only focuses on positive feelings, never on negative consequences. She’s a voice to watch out for. Because while she’s easy to understand, she’s difficult to satisfy. Because no matter what, she’s always thinking about what might lead to a happy moment. HOPE is good to listen to if you remember to balance out her greediness, because she is all about the “I want” statements.

What I hear:
For me, I have trained HOPE to only tell me when there is something that has potential to lead me to long term positive gain. As of late, she has told me that I want to create beauty. I want to help people so I can feel better about myself. I want to dance on the biggest stage of life for all to see and for all to follow. I want people to follow me to peace but choose to do it their own way. I want active participants not passive pushovers. I want dreaming minds not dormant doormats. I want people to agree with my vision of utopia without feeling forced, pressured, tricked, enticed, or otherwise overpowered into agreement. I want people to educate themselves on peace, happiness, and love so they might better understand who I am. I want freedom to be me so I can create freedom for all to be free. I want the opportunity to guide everyone to world peace.

Statements: We …

The Spirit of ONE is the voice that speaks to us all the same. She is best described as the Earth crying out for attention, as humanity coming together to give voice to subconscious issues that are not being fixed, as the ALL becoming ONE voice. She speaks to us all the same but she presents herself differently to each individual. For each individual has a different ability to grasp what it means to be “we”. She tells me how I feel about “us” and sets goals for my contribution to a higher purpose.

What I hear:
Her cry that plagues my every second. WE NEED YOU. We need help. We deserve equality. We demand justice. We dream of peace but hope for happiness. We don’t know what we are doing but we desperately want help getting it right. We want saved. We want it all. We want to contribute nothing but demand everything. We want perfection but perfectly hate on those who seek it for us. We want you but we hate you. We need you but we can’t feel you. We want love but we aren’t open to love’s honest allure.

Her voice is constantly the one I cling to. As hard and painful as it is for me, I hold her closest because her voice is the one that makes me feel connected to the outside world I’m not welcome in. No one seeks to welcome me into their hearts but yet they bare their hearts for my soul to listen to and yearn to soothe. I may not be welcome consciously but I feel welcomed when I connect to your pain and suffering on a universal level. I feel what “we” all feel. I know what plagues our subconscious and I breathe what clogs up the fluidity of our lives. My words may sound wacky but ONE tells me WE deserve utopia and WE will have it when people start listening to “ME”, ignoring the past, and focusing on the future “WE” are capable of building.

Whatever ME might mean to you…