Tears streaming down my face, catatonic stare into oblivion, body paralyzed. Oh the rollercoaster of bipolar.
From one extreme to the polar opposite in a few short hours. And both extremes still alive and fighting for attention and understanding within me.
Yesterday was too much for me to handle. My brain fails to function on a basic human level. I struggle to remember to eat, drink, and sleep. When more complex human situations come into play, I rely on “muscle memory” to allow me to handle them. When complex situations get complicated, my brain starts to lose control, I start to lose control. I still have yet to work the major kinks out since having my breakdown….
But I feel I am making progress which is all you can do when putting a puzzle together. Take it one piece at a time. However I feel I am struggling because my puzzle is a tad too difficult for me.
I have no box telling me how many pieces there are. I have no picture showing me what I’m building. I have no straight edges to start with a frame. I don’t even know if I’m looking at the right side of the puzzle piece.
Instead I have a bunch of weird little pieces of nothing that I have to turn and twist and connect to other pieces of nothing. The problem is those little pieces of nothing mean the world to me and I want to find just the right place for them. I want to make sure they fit perfectly before I build around them. Because I’m building myself to last. Not just to get by.
But here I am, scared the tiny picture I have managed to piece together is about to fall apart. I know my limits. I know my weaknesses. I know when I am about to lose control. And I feel I am there. My body does not know how to proceed.
How am I supposed to take on the world I don’t understand?
How do I make money when I can’t understand why I have to make money? How do I pay for things that I don’t believe people have a right to charge for?
How do I buy things that I don’t think need to be bought? How do I balance buying things with my ability to afford them?
How do I make money when other people telling me how to live my life throws me out of control?
If I have money, how do I know whether to spend it now or keep it for later? How do I prioritize when money needs to be spent for each need? Which need comes first? What are my needs that I have to make sure to have money for?
What are my needs I can ignore so I don’t have to make money for them?
How do I worry about money and worry about my basic needs at the same time when I can’t remember either exists?
How do I live when I don’t even know what I’m living for? How do I live when I don’t know what I need?
How do I live in a world that doesn’t care that I live? How do I live in a world that doesn’t know what I need? How do I live in a world that feels imaginary?
How do I live?
I wish someone would help me. I’m lost. Alone in a big world where no one sees me for what I am. I feel like I’m dying to be seen, to be noticed, to be understood. And I’m dying alone because no one will take care of a girl who can’t take care of herself.