, , , , , ,

Today was my first day back in the “real world”. I had phone and access to people again. After spending the last two months without phone or Internet, I feel amazingly connected. Amazingly powerful.

For the past two months, I felt as though I was cut off from everyone and everything but myself, a very dark, dark period. During the endless dark days I hoped and prayed for someone, anyone to reach out and check on me. To come help me through the loneliness. The light from the real world came very infrequently. And often only when I was literally at my wits end and on the verge of taking a spin on the suicidal side of thinking.

But in my loneliness I found comfort in the last place I expected. Myself and my God. I took comfort in knowing that when no one else was thinking of me, I still loved myself enough to carry on. My god gave me peace of mind when I found peace with myself.

I no longer spent the days pining for affection from people who only cared to think of me when it was convenient for them or when I offended them with my illness.

Instead I spent time learning more about myself and all of the wonderful things I bring to any relationship I choose to be in. Above all I focused on building my strength up so when people told me who I am supposed to be and what they expect of me, I can stand my ground and know what is truly right and wrong for me.

I want to emphasize that. I’m not only choosing the relationships I want to be in but also demanding that any relationship I’m in accept me from the beginning.

I offer all of myself to my friends. I come completely uninhibited and ready to share the deepest parts of myself to those who will love me for my honesty. Because in return I offer the same to each of my friends. Someone they can trust to the ends of the earth to always love and be there for them, even when they have deep and dark secrets. I want to be the person you want to share and lay everything bare with.

With that in mind, I turned my new perspective on life into a New Years resolution. I want to build my own little world of friends that offer the same type of love and understanding that moves me and gives my life purpose. Yesterday was a great start to that.

When I woke up this morning, I had planned on reorganizing the house after the family demolished it over New Years. However instead I spent the day chatting with my few friends who reached out to me while I was in seclusion. And I have never felt like I’ve had a better day.

Every moment was filled with conversations and thoughts with multiple people who truly cared enough to reach out to me when I was alone and in the dark. It’s not even the end of the second day of rebuilding my world, and I can already say – the friendships on my side of the fence are infinitely better. When I have no way to cry out for help, I have people who reach out and send me words of hope and encouragement and strength. And when I am able to reach out to them, they reward me with meaningful thoughts and fun conversation.

Life is truly what you make it. So far the world I’ve created for myself is quite spectacular. I can’t wait to see how much better I can make it!