Every single night, I go to sleep thinking that I just had the best day of my life. Today might be a bit better than the rest. I believe I have found my calling in this life on this planet. I am an eternal servant. I live to serve others. Nothing more, nothing less.
From the age of five I have never felt the my body was my own. I understand why. I am content in whatever shell I am contained in. My soul is eternal. When my lord Father calls me home, he shall take my eternal soul in whatever form I am in and put me exactly where I am meant to go, whether that be in heaven or back in another body to find my calling again. I’m the ultimate Barbie doll. I don’t think for myself, I just go where I believe my God is telling me to go, body and soul, with the family he deems me capable of caring for. It’s perfect for me because I love everything that is put before me, body and soul. It is impossible for me not to love unconditionally. That is the only rule my Lord Father will hold me accountable for and his is the only authority I respect without question. I will defend my beliefs until I am told otherwise, but understand my silence does not mean agreement or compliance but merely my ability to let you have the last say. I will always be the last one to give something.
I walked away from everything this world offered me because I “thought God was telling me too” back when I lost my mind. I went crazy, flew over the moon, went bonkers, got locked in the loony bin, psych ward, or whatever other rude phrase you might imagine. I don’t really remember what happened those three days when I literally was gradually losing my grip on reality. I don’t understand it and I don’t dwell on the past. So unless my God tells me what happened I will never know. What I do know:
When I was truly turned away from everything this world was willing to give me, which was nothing more than the clothes on my back and a big bulky box of my belongings, no husband, no children, no friends, no family. I walked away from them all found complete happiness. Because I found I was happy having absolutely nothing but the worthless body that nobody wanted. At that moment I realize I wanted it! Nobody wanted it and so I would finally take control of my happiness. When I took control and made myself truly happy with nothing at all, I found my light. I found my connection to God. I found my path, though it was shadowy and unclear.
I made my ultimate leap of faith, I went crazy and left the reality of this world. I closed my eyes on reality and found God. I became innocent to the desires and lure of this world, I wanted nothing that was put before me, was happy in complete darkness. I walked away from nothing, believing God would lead me home. And like any good man, a father always catches his daughter when she stumbles. My world turned its back on me in the coldest and cruelest way I could imagine, leaving the only blood family that would take me in allow her husband to throw me out on the street. I had nothing but the clothes I was wearing: a white headband, stained T-shirt, a short skirt, a pair of leggings, and a pair of black and white shoes and a bulky box of hastily packed items. I don’t remember what I packed. I just remember wanting to leave the house cleaner than when I entered. I would have done more work but I was resting my body before laboring and was literally thrown out while I was still sleeping. Note for next time: I need to work on waking up faster so I can process things quicker. I could have done more work.
Because on planet Earth, I work for everything I am given. I am never sure of what way I will be directed to work each day. I only know that I will follow the signs and respect the wishes of my body and the bodies I am charged with caring for, my family. I seek every day to understand fully the blessings that have been set before me. I am working on organizing my mind and since home is where the heart is, that is where I am starting. I have my eye on a house, but it is has not yet been made home. We will see what my God has in store for me.
In my world, I believe that what is set before me is what my Lord deems me fit to handle. Right now, I have a home within my grasp…should I be bold enough to take it. I am going to show my God how hard I will work to take care of my home. I pray he will bless me with something I can handle. A house is easy enough to get, but a home is a forever place for my soul. I made my body my home and found complete happiness. Anything other than my body only expands upon my ultimate happiness. It is the most wonderful life to be living. Every second of every day. I am triply blessed. Always.
I just can’t wait to see what life has in store for me. I wake up a blank slate, determined to get through her home everyday to see the treasures that life set before me. But before I get ahead of myself, I need to do some work getting my baggage ready to go. I always like to know the burden I carry. Currently I am working through knowing exactly the burden my God has placed on my shoulders.
My husband and children come with quite a bit of baggage. They don’t like going through their things, so I am organizing what I deem to be their trash. When they ask for it, I will serve it to them so they must work as hard as I did to maintain it. I always maintain treasures and bag up the trash.
Hypomanic currently. Please excuse my speech if it sounds a bit erratic. I only write when I can do exactly what I want with no interference from anyone of any kind and still be with my family. Right now that is at 3:32am. I am ready to sleep!!!!! Please body, get back on normal people sleep schedule. 🙂
Perhaps someone is awake and needs a little help….
My soul sours when other people are happy. My dream world is every single soul getting PRECISELY what it takes to make another soul soar. Because in my world, I believe everything that is placed before me is exactly what I need. Nothing more, nothing less. And I only take what I need. And I always share what I don’t.