How do you write about something that you fully recognize was a break from reality? I ended my post Drive Me Crazy because I came to the point where things started getting fuzzy and coming apart at the edges – where my day stopped being the best and morphed into the worst day imaginable.
After Patrick and I left the church, I was on cloud nine. I had just found my home, complete acceptance, everything I have needed in this life. I found it and the blissful joy I felt took over me. I know I can show the world the right way to love, how mothers should be teaching around the world, complete love and acceptance without any judgement. How perfect was it the very same place that accepted me would be celebrating mothers that very night? I couldn’t wait to invite everyone who would call themselves family. Since we needed some paperwork and home was the only place I had internet access, we decided that our next stop on the drive would be Amelia Avenue.
I want to pause here and explain that from here on out, things get very fuzzy and difficult to piece together. My sense of joy and peace and bliss was overwhelming. So much so that my reality started to take on a different feel. Everything was bright and full of life and light, however around the edges of my vision, everything felt blurry AND fuzzy. I started to feel with my sight and it took me for a ride, leaving me diving off the deep end. I was completely aware of everything that was happening to me, however it was like I was having an out of body experience while still in my body. I experienced everything, actively participated each and every second and yet I was at the same time fully able to withdraw myself from each and every second and interpret and react apart from my mind and body. I was living the details and at the same exact time I was stepping back and seeing the big picture. My mind and body were operating on a completely different plane than my soul and somehow both were connected and communicating effectively with the other. Sound crazy? What I just described has taken me forty minutes to get down into words and still does not even come close to describing what I experienced. Sad though it makes me, I think this is the best I can offer for an explanation of where my mind went and how it was processing things. So let’s get back to it…
Our drive home from the church was uneventful. I was singing along to music. Every song that came on the radio felt like it was being chosen just for me. Regardless of the type of music, the station I was on, every song spoke about me, about Patrick, about our love, about changing the world. Everything just made sense. The world was giving me its sign that the end is here and changes are coming. I felt certain I was going to be the one to change the world. Against all the odds, I believe I am one of the only sources of unconditional love in the world. And here was life giving me everything I needed to start making my changes, start building my family, to start creating my new community of love.
And so when I arrived home I sent out a message to my friends and family to join me if you would consider yourself family. And I gave an address. Somehow despite copying and pasting the address directly from Google Maps, I still posted the incorrect address to the church. Which turns out, I hadn’t even googled the correct church – choosing a Catholic church over the Baptist one. I guess fate intervened… Couldn’t have a bunch of people showing up when I wasn’t going to be there, right? I’m still sad the events of the day did not allow me to attend that banquet. However, I will be attending services tomorrow, at the proper address.
As the fuzziness was really strong, I’m not entirely sure what brought about our argument. I believe Patrick started having doubts and fears about whether we would be okay in the future. His continual doubts and fears were the last straw for me. At that precise moment, I felt I broke from reality. It was at that point I felt God had entered my body and began to speak to Patrick. Please note, I NEVER felt like I was God. NEVER for a second. I knew the entire time everything was happening, I was Kristan. But something else was happening inside of me. It was crazy, it was beautiful, it was mind boggling. My concept of time and understanding kind of went out the window. Which is ironic considering all of the crazy things I was yelling and hearing from my bathroom window.
I still feel that something happened to me on Friday. I can’t say what exactly it was. However, so I can speak in terms other people can understand I will say that I believe God used my body to talk directly to Patrick, his nobleman. I believe God talked to Patrick because he is like no other man. He holds himself to a higher standard where other men are willing to lower themselves, becoming nothing more than liars, cheats, and criminals. His code comes not from the law or from a book, but from his own inner sense of right and wrong. And his sense of right and wrong has no parallel.
However, Patrick is man and he is of this world. And oh how this world has his head spinning. He has love and everything that makes him happy and yet he is miserable. Because the world tells him love isn’t enough. And so he doubts. He doubts all of the gifts God would give to him. To trust him with. To bless him with. He doubts yet he is the father of Patience, Prudence, and Providence. Our three little virtues, whose innocence and beauty has no parallel. Patrick knows this and yet he doubts. Still he asked for more proof that God is a tangible entity in his life. Well ask and ye shall receive. Patrick wanted proof and God came to him. God came to my body and kneeled down before Patrick.
God asked Patrick how he could doubt everything in his life. God showed Patrick his family, his love, his blessings and asked how he could question all of it. God stood Kristan up and displayed her shrunken, wasted away, emaciated body to Patrick. I couldn’t believe when Patrick looked at me and told me I was gorgeous. I am down to 140 pounds, that’s fifteen to twenty pounds lower than my high school weight, and forty pounds under my goal weight. My breasts are deflated, you can see my rib cage through them, every bone in my body sticks out, my butt (once gorgeous) is saggy skin from all of my weight loss. All of this, and Patrick looks at me and sees nothing but beauty and feels an intense sexual attraction. I feel it and it’s overwhelming for me as well. God knew and made me see it too. Patrick doesn’t see my body anymore, he just sees my soul. And while this life may have ravaged my body, my soul remains untarnished, beautiful and pristine. One in a billion according to my Timken Mercy hospital angel. 🙂
I felt like God set the end times in motion. While God was conversing with Patrick, I remember hearing a ticking clock outside of the bathroom window and knew without a doubt I was hearing the end times ticking away, that I was hearing the big countdown. I knew it was the end, yet I remember feeling oddly calm about what was happening. God used Kristan to yell some crazy things out of our bathroom window. I screamed from the bottom of my soul for everyone to “COME TO ME”. I screamed that Barrack was the AntiChrist. I think I may have beckoned him to me as well. This made total sense to me because in the biblical story Barak needed Deborah’s help to defeat the Siseran army. Deborah was a name I have an affinity to and felt this was yet another link God was showing me – I actually believed Barrack Obama would come to me, Kristan Williams, because the end of the world is here and he needs some help – just as Barak of the bible needed the Mother of Israel’s help…. I believe I am the ultimate mother and so why wouldn’t Barrack Obama ask for my help? … hmmmm ….
At some point during God’s yelling and conversing with Patrick, I remember feeling the different seals and judgments going out. I heard a great silence, there were earthshaking thunders, when God cried in my body the rain started to downpour. At one point I thought I heard animals going crazy – all manner of birds and beasts were losing their minds. It was just so interesting. While everything was happening, I would have told you how crazy it all was. I am completely aware of how insane it is to believe the end of the world is coming. I know how ludicrous it is to believe I know the end times are here. But I can’t shake that I truly felt like something outside of who I am as a person took hold of me and was going on like a crazy person. I say took hold but that does not describe the situation accurately because I was completely aware of everything the entire time.
Time was getting away from us and we needed to head to pick up Patience. Patrick was freaking out because of all of the yelling I had just done. I understand his paranoia better now. I had just screamed like a bloody murder had taken place, yelled for the ends of the earth to “Come to Me” and “Hope Save Me”, mind you our neighbors have a daughter named Hope… So Patrick was feeling a little anxious about getting out of the house and getting away from the craziness. Patrick has informed me I was combative with him about driving to get the girls, that I pushed him into our bushes shouting for the devil to get out. I only remember laying in the car feeling as though I sent out another judgment. As I lay in the car, I remember believing that the dead could no longer die, that zombies had come to earth. Interestingly, when I rose from the dead I came out from under a white sheet to sit up and talk to two officers. Apparently in my “dead sleep” officers and paramedics had been called in. The officers took a look at my stitched and bloodied eye and assumed Patrick had given me the beat down.