Yesterday I spent the day pondering on what I would write about my expectations. This morning brought with it the clarity I needed. I have the highest of expectations – for myself, for my loved ones, for humanity as a whole. I could tell you how I expect so much of people and how often times it feels like reality falls short. Sometimes, on the rarest of occasions, reality comes through and exceeds even my highest of expectations. Today is that day.
We received a phone call from our landlord informing us they were going to be moving forward with an eviction. The timing of this is amazing. Just last week, we informed the property manager there were lead paint issues among other things such as asbestos, black mold, weakening flooring below the toilet, and possible foundation problems among other things and requested licensed inspectors to come in. After the landlord came and inspected the property, prior arrangements were cancelled and our calls began forwarding to voicemail without any response. While inspecting the leaking basement yesterday, he actually refused to take our money. Then we received the call this morning.
I should say that I am upset. Or scared. Or angry. Or a myriad of other emotions that could be wreaking havoc on me right now. Instead I am ecstatically, insanely, blissfully at peace. The peace and joy I feel is positively radiating off of me, obliterating every darkness that attempts to dim my light.
I have always felt different, separate from those around me. Love is who I am, and I see now who I have always been. I loved you the second I met you. With my love always came the expectation of reciprocation. My entire life, I never felt I was being loved in the same way I was giving it and it drove me down into my own inner darkness. However, I continued to believe that if I just kept giving love, treating others with the same love and compassion I so desperately desired, and giving people the opportunity to love, the universe would reward me someday.
During that phone call, I couldn’t contain my excitement. My fiancé was looking at me like I was a lunatic, probably because I was literally bouncing up and down. My reward is coming. I don’t know when it will be, what form it is going to take, nor am I really even concerned with the details of it. I don’t need to because at its core, my reward has always been love. My life has been nothing short of a chaotic mess, with things getting more hectic and outlandish each day, but from that chaos everything I ever dreamed I wanted, everything I never knew to ask for, is starting to solidify into a pretty amazing reality.
I love everything about myself. For a person who has battled self esteem issues every single day of her life, I am proud to say that the person you meet is a genuine reflection of who I am at my core. I believe when I started loving myself, my life began to fill with beautiful, soul-nurturing relationships, with people who love the person I am and not just what I can offer them. Life has given me new parental figures I feel more connected to than the ones responsible for my birth. Somehow I stumbled onto a hobby that comforts, relaxes, fulfills, and contributes to the continual state of bliss I am experiencing. My neighborhood is positively coming to life, with friends and neighbors appearing to share in raising our children. All around love is blossoming. Mind, body, and soul: I couldn’t be happier.
All I ever wanted was love. Thank you universe for exceeding my wildest expectations!