It finally happened. I have come to my precipice, one that I intuitively felt was racing towards me but subconsciously I was resisting every step of the way. My heart has been calling to me to create. I want to write, design, decorate, sing, and dance. It doesn’t matter what form my creativity takes, my soul soars when I’m given the opportunity. I need to do this – it is an urge my body is unable to resist. My fiance woke up one night at 2:00am to find me singing my heart out to 90s Pop on Pandora while putting the finishing touches on the bathroom I had just spent hours scouring just so I could test paint one half of a small wall. It was one of the happiest moments I have ever had when left to my own devices.
So I’m ready to take my leap. The universe has sent its sign I should focus my efforts on my home and my creativity. Life was getting so hectic that for almost an entire month I was unable to find time for any form of expression. And during those longs weeks, I found myself feeling so stressed, emotional, and overwhelmed – I was literally falling to pieces. After a month, when I was finally able to create, it was like a dam being broken. I felt a gigantic wave of release. Suddenly I was back in full force. Somehow, I had put up a barricade, blocking out everything that makes me special, makes me who I am, all so I could attempt to live a normal life…and still fail miserably at it.
I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to spend my life slaving away at a job, coming home too exhausted to do anything, feeling resentful everyday of the piling housework and chores that needs to be done, the lack of time to do it, and always feeling like I am not getting enough done. I don’t want it for myself and I don’t think it works for my family. That type of lifestyle is appealing to others because it provides the potential for a stable and secure life. After everything we have survived, I no longer desire what a traditional job offers. My stability and security lies in the hearts of the people I hold dearest. After losing almost all of my possessions, relationships, and even my way – I am still standing not because I had a job but because I had people who loved me and guided me back to my feet.
I am a square peg. I want to provide for my family but I feel strongly I will only do so successfully in a nontraditional capacity. So why am I continually trying to shove my square peg into a round hole? It is never going to be a good fit. I think my time would be better spent finding a square hole.
If you find one, let me know about. I have never been more open to new opportunities.