Have you ever had an emotion sweep over you, seemingly for no reason at all, violently taking hold, and bending you to its will? As I sit here, I am fighting the battle of tears. I can’t say why I feel so sad all of a sudden but it is overwhelming me. My heart just hurts. I feel like a thousand chains are pulling me down. I just can’t kick it. My head is running through all of the things I have to be thankful for. My love, my family, my friends, my life. So many wonderful things that I can list off without hesitation, but yet this sense of deep sorrow will not pass.
I can’t say that today has been the best day for me as I have been generally irritable all day long. A nice hot bath, quiet time, or even attempting to lose myself in a book couldn’t shake my irritability. But that’s nothing unusual.. some days I am just a grouchy turd muffin. What I can’t figure out is where this sense of sadness is coming from?
I am a firm believer that my emotions are tools for me to learn a lesson. Once I learn the lesson, I’m better able to release the emotion. For instance, one night I was bartending and two women came and sat at the bar. It was myself and a male coworker behind the bar. After we had served them, my coworker started joking about how disgusting one of the women was. I defended her, but he just had worse comments and rude names in return. I quickly got irritated. Looking back, I can see why. My irritation is rooted in the fact that I used to be 80-100lbs overweight and really don’t like being considered disgusting.
While I believe the guy is a douchebag for making fun of that woman for something she may not be able to help and for assuming I would find it amusing, he is entitled to his opinion and beliefs. But I learned my lesson: I don’t like when people make fun of others, especially for something they might not be able to help. I also don’t like men who assume because I’m thin I will make fun of people who aren’t. So alright, lesson learned.
So what lesson is this sense of sadness bringing? How am I to work through this when I don’t feel like I even have a cause?
I have been feeling pulled in so many directions lately. My heart is crying for me to create something, anything – writing, doodling, planning a wedding, decorating the house, singing. The urge to make something is so strong right now. It is a constant battle not to shirk all of my responsibilities and curl up with my notebook.
Then my mind is on repeat, reciting the list of all the things I need to get done. Clean the house, play with the girls, get groceries, pay bills, fix the car, on and on the list goes. Every day the list gets a little bit longer, with each day crossing off less and less.
Finally my poor body is practically screaming for attention. I feel exhausted all the time and can’t focus or remember anything for the life of me. If I don’t handle a task right away, it won’t get done because I just won’t know I was supposed to do it. I have a headache that has not stopped in at least 10 days and is only increasing in intensity and size. I’m losing strength in my right hand from a shoulder injury, have a searing pain in my stomach, and all over body aches.
So many things vying for my attention, but nothing that leaves me feeling sad. So how do I work through an emotion that comes on, seemingly without provocation?
Perhaps I’m sad because I feel like things are coming to an end. I say coming to an end without knowing what that end is. For the past few weeks I’ve been nursing a feeling like something is going to happen. It’s such a vague feeling that I struggle with describing it. It’s a mix of anticipation, excitement, curiosity, and fear. And now that I think of it, sometimes I feel sad when it comes over me.
I don’t know. I will continue to think on this. Maybe this headache will finally break and I’ll get some insight into the mystery sadness…