Do you ever have one of those moments where it feels as though everything is standing still? Like you’re holding your breath before the start of the race?
I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something and I can’t seem to shake it.
Perhaps I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life feels like it is going so well. For so long, things have been kind of bad. Every good always seemed to be followed by one devastating event or another. I felt that every part of my life was chaotic, painful, dark, and sad. And lonely. I felt so alone all the time, even standing in a crowded room. I see now that it was only bad because my perception was off. Now I have a new way of looking at things.
I see the bad in my life but I look at it as the cost of having the overwhelming good I am blessed with. I get stressed, but I dig into myself to find the root of that stress. I attempt to learn what is stressing me and why. Then I try to release it. I do the same thing when I am angry, sad, and hurt. I use those emotions to learn. Once I understand what the emotions are trying to tell me, I no longer carry them with me.
Freeing myself from the negative has given me wings to fly. I feel light and happy and warm. So incredibly warm. I feel connected and grounded. When I see others, I no longer look away, averting my eyes to hide my pain. Instead, I find myself looking to see their troubles, to feel their pain, and find some way to help. I try to show my problems so others can relate and know they aren’t alone. That they aren’t the only ones hurting. That someone somewhere is watching them, and grieving for their pain as well.
Life hurts. But I feel from that hurt I am being given an incredible opportunity: to heal, to help, to love. For every pain that is out there, that is one more chance for me to make something better. I might not be able to cure diseases, end world hunger, or create world peace, but I can help my elderly neighbor carry in a bag of groceries, help my overworked friend clean her house, listen to a stranger talk, smile at the grocery store clerk, and push that lone grocery cart out of the handicap spot and to the cart rack. These are all such little things, but I do them with such love, such feeling, that I feel like I’m giving the world. I guess to me, I am.
My world is love and I give it freely.