, , , , , , , , ,

It is impossible to reach the finish line if you don't first know where you are going.

It is impossible to reach the finish line if you don’t first know where you are going.

So much of myself is changing, or perhaps I’m just understanding who I am more fully. Sometimes I feel a little lost. I feel such a positive energy right now and I want to focus it in the right way. As this is a new year, I guess it is as good as time as any to set up what I want out of life.

Above all else, I want love to be a driving force in my life. I want it to permeate every darkness I must go through. I will face whatever might come happily as long as I have love firmly in my corner. I have Patrick and I have my girls. I am lucky to have a few friends who I have completely let my guard down for. People who know, accept, and love me for exactly who I am. Flaws and all. I am supported, appreciated, and loved. It feels like I am on the right track.

On a more personal level, I want writing or whatever form self-expression and reflection might take to be a part of my daily life. For the first time ever, I’m learning about myself. Prior to this point in my life I tried to mute out my thoughts. I always needed some distraction, noise in the background. When I would pick up a new hobby, I would submerge myself in it. Always withdrawing from reality. Because the reality is, I couldn’t face myself. I wasn’t ready then. I feel I am ready now.

The need for mental muteness has all but disappeared. I look forward to the next time I get to sit down with my pencil and notebook to sift through my thoughts. It feels like the only time I can think in semi-straight lines is when I’m trying to write. The pencil and paper provide a focus of some sort. Well, as least as much focus as my brain can muster. Patrick jokes that I can’t walk in a straight line. He’s right, I really can’t, but maybe that’s because I don’t think in straight lines. Funny thought…

I’m a horrible speaker. My mind goes into overload when I try to voice what I’m thinking. I struggle to articulate thoughts and opinions. I become a scrambled, frazzled mess. I’m trying to form my thoughts, not sound like a dork, or appear to be dumb, deliver my speech in just the right way so as not to offend or make my audience dislike me, on and on I worry. It makes having conversations difficult. But when I’m with pen and paper, everything just flows freely.  I like that and I’d very much like that to continue.

I want a home. I don’t care where or in what form that takes. I just want the place where I rest my body to be warm and inviting. I want to feel love and comfort. My home should be a reflection of the love I have and desire in my life.  I also want to live comfortably. I want my bills to be paid, food on the table, and no worry if the car breaks down about how we are going to eat or live.

I don’t need much. I recognize that now. Going without for so long showed me what I truly need in life. It has certainly helped lessen my sadness over not having a closet of clothes that fit each family member or even a way to wash my own clothes, a car that isn’t about to break down, and other material things. Would I take those? ABSOLUTELY and without a doubt. But I know that if that never happens, as long as we have what we need, I’ll be happy.

I seem to come back to that often. Happiness. I know that is another important aspect of my life. I need to be happy. Thankfully love and happiness go hand in hand.

Finally, I want to connect. To myself, my family, my friends, and to people in general. It doesn’t matter if I connect to only one person or to fifty. I want to change a life with my heart. If I can make one person believe someone loves and cares for them for no other reason than to love and care then I believe I could die a happy person. I hope to make more than just one person feel that way. I hope I could change many lives. I feel like this world is so dark and lonely. There are so many that could be loved and helped. And so I will do that, I will love and I will help.