So much of myself is changing, or perhaps I’m just understanding who I am more fully. Sometimes I feel a little lost. I feel such a positive energy right now and I want to focus it in the right way. As this is a new year, I guess it is as good as time as any to set up what I want out of life.
Above all else, I want love to be a driving force in my life. I want it to permeate every darkness I must go through. I will face whatever might come happily as long as I have love firmly in my corner. I have Patrick and I have my girls. I am lucky to have a few friends who I have completely let my guard down for. People who know, accept, and love me for exactly who I am. Flaws and all. I am supported, appreciated, and loved. It feels like I am on the right track.
On a more personal level, I want writing or whatever form self-expression and reflection might take to be a part of my daily life. For the first time ever, I’m learning about myself. Prior to this point in my life I tried to mute out my thoughts. I always needed some distraction, noise in the background. When I would pick up a new hobby, I would submerge myself in it. Always withdrawing from reality. Because the reality is, I couldn’t face myself. I wasn’t ready then. I feel I am ready now.
The need for mental muteness has all but disappeared. I look forward to the next time I get to sit down with my pencil and notebook to sift through my thoughts. It feels like the only time I can think in semi-straight lines is when I’m trying to write. The pencil and paper provide a focus of some sort. Well, as least as much focus as my brain can muster. Patrick jokes that I can’t walk in a straight line. He’s right, I really can’t, but maybe that’s because I don’t think in straight lines. Funny thought…
I’m a horrible speaker. My mind goes into overload when I try to voice what I’m thinking. I struggle to articulate thoughts and opinions. I become a scrambled, frazzled mess. I’m trying to form my thoughts, not sound like a dork, or appear to be dumb, deliver my speech in just the right way so as not to offend or make my audience dislike me, on and on I worry. It makes having conversations difficult. But when I’m with pen and paper, everything just flows freely. I like that and I’d very much like that to continue.
I want a home. I don’t care where or in what form that takes. I just want the place where I rest my body to be warm and inviting. I want to feel love and comfort. My home should be a reflection of the love I have and desire in my life. I also want to live comfortably. I want my bills to be paid, food on the table, and no worry if the car breaks down about how we are going to eat or live.
I don’t need much. I recognize that now. Going without for so long showed me what I truly need in life. It has certainly helped lessen my sadness over not having a closet of clothes that fit each family member or even a way to wash my own clothes, a car that isn’t about to break down, and other material things. Would I take those? ABSOLUTELY and without a doubt. But I know that if that never happens, as long as we have what we need, I’ll be happy.
I seem to come back to that often. Happiness. I know that is another important aspect of my life. I need to be happy. Thankfully love and happiness go hand in hand.
Finally, I want to connect. To myself, my family, my friends, and to people in general. It doesn’t matter if I connect to only one person or to fifty. I want to change a life with my heart. If I can make one person believe someone loves and cares for them for no other reason than to love and care then I believe I could die a happy person. I hope to make more than just one person feel that way. I hope I could change many lives. I feel like this world is so dark and lonely. There are so many that could be loved and helped. And so I will do that, I will love and I will help.