As I’m going through my awakening I have begun questioning a lot of things. I find solace in quiet time to myself because it allows me time to think. I often let my mind wander, never trying to reconcile the thoughts that are flowing. It leads to some strange places, but I am beginning to see a pattern to my thoughts. Every part of me is crying out for balance. The scream I hear loudest though is for my heart.
Music has been touching me deeply recently. I feel like I can relate to songs – that I FEEL the emotion behind them. Is music touching me so strongly because I’m lacking something? Is there perhaps something we are all lacking? We’ve gained the ability to meet people around the world, at a moment’s notice, with no more than the click of a mouse button. Amazing. But what is the cost of it? What price are we paying?
The last time I checked I had just shy of 400 Facebook friends. 400! That should be impressive but 400 is really just indicative of people whose paths I have crossed. I don’t know how many of the 400 look at things I post. I don’t know how many know the names of my children or even if I have them. Honestly, I Only recently started paying close attention to what other people were posting, looking for deeper meaning behind it all. People have begun to have an effect on my life, but I’m no closer to anyone for that. Because while I have 400 friends, I don’t have 400 friendships. And perhaps that’s the cost.
Have we disillusioned ourselves to the point that we believe social networking is gaining us friendships? I’m able to stay in touch with people that in past generations, time would have lost. I can keep up on their life but I still fail to make them part of my day to day.
I’m able to stay connected with these people but I haven’t because the knowledge of “being able to” was enough for me. Doesn’t that speak to the value of these modern friendships? Is it only surface level? I consider them a friend but yet they aren’t an active part of my life. And perhaps that is where my emptiness was coming from.
I had filled my life with people who were not interested in making me a part of their life. I was a status, something to be talked about, a temporary inconvenience but never part of their day to day thoughts. Losing everything changed everything for me. I let go of a lot of people in my life, some at my own hand and others of their own choice. I’m sad to have lost those relationships, but I recognize the need. I want people around me who want to be loved and are capable of giving love in return. That’s what a real relationship is. It’s the give and take.
In letting go of the negativity of those relationships, I feel like my life is filling with positivity. The people I count as my closest friends mean the world to me. I know I can call them whenever I need, to talk about whatever I need to talk about, and I will get their honesty in return. Honesty in words, actions, and love. Just like they will receive from me.
Loneliness is often described as being dark. I get that. Loneliness feels like a dark abyss, so easy to get swept away in. So if loneliness is darkness, then wouldn’t love be the light?
While I don’t have much to offer – I have my love, my light. It saddens me to think there might be people feeling like I have for so long. Holding on to intangible friendships, believing them to be real and feeling all the emptier because they just aren’t. Or even worse, attempting to believe they don’t need friends at all. I want to befriend that someone.
I have felt empty and alone for so long. So long I’ve craved the love and attention of others. Often equating attention of any form as indication of the love I so desired. It isn’t, but I believe now that I needed that emptiness, that hollowness, so I could relate to others when they are feeling it. I need to give love. I need to. I want to reach out to others when they are feeling alone. I will talk. I will listen. I will probably say awkward things and ask annoying probing questions. Possibly even appear comedic or intelligent. But above all I will care and love. It’s all I have to give. It’s simple but it’s what’s needed.